Occassionally Millards blog is hijacked and personnel notices from government and terror organizations are posted, Millard apoligizes for that. Though Millard has many contacts made throughout his many years of ****** (pursuant to non disclosure agreements Millard cannot talk about prior work experience with any goverment) he has never considered himself a conduit for dissemination of information.

Many people (with the exception of Roger Clemens) have complete faith in Millards brand of Journalistic Integrity, to wit, the following correspondence was sent to Millard for posting:

At the end of the last Gregorian year, Al-Qaida informed the West that Ayman al-Zawahri would be willing to answer questions put forward to him in writing. In an effort to soften the harsh approach that decadent and corrupt Western journalist have taken and provide a true, unadulterated rendering of the Commanders remarks, Ayman al-Zawahri will answer those questions and post them here.

Question 1:

Dear Ayman,

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no such thing as Al -Qaida. Papa says “if you see it in Millard Bunson, it‘s so“. Please…

Little Susie, America USA.

Dear Susie:

Yes there is an Al-Qaida. There are many stories as to how we arrived; many are false.

We did not begin with several of us sitting around a Scrabble board and Osama spelling out ALQAIDA using all his letters on a triple word score, then swearing on the Koran that it was a word. (though when we play, Osama does bring his own ‘dictionary’). As with all groups, it evolved as myself and other like minded evolutionaries grew more enraged at the world around us.

Growing up as a child, and seeing American television, my friends and I first organized ourselves into the group, the “MAD ARABS”. Everyone now knows this group stood for

“Mujahideen

Against

Degenerate

Animators

Ridiculing

Arabic

Bulbous

Snozzes”

Playing as a youngster in the streets of Encino (not Cairo as some have suggested) and hearing the taunts of “big nose, big nose” after the morning cartoon shows set us on our jihadi paths. We never ran a successful operation as most of the members just thought it would be a “neat way to meet girls”. We gradually broke apart going our separate ways. This experience though did help us learn the importance of organizational structure, promotional material and uniforms (we learned that wearing a thobe/dress in Encino will get you beat up a lot).

The second true iteration of our Jihadi souls came when the Brotherhood of Allah and my group, the Islamic “Fun” guys (it was the 70’s) combined to become the ill fated Balsamic Underground.

The 1980’s were a turbulent time: trying to find glasses that fit and looked cool at the same time. The Botox in the lips was a really bad idea, and I’ve never really liked the turban thing.

In the 1990’s, financially struggling, it is true I came back to the United States and tried to get on as a contestant in several game shows. The closest I ever got was in the audience of the “Price is Right”. I realized at that moment there were more important things in my future as I KNEW the combined price of the washer/drier was $1235!!! and it was the person NEXT to me who was called to “come on down”.

The brief history of Al-Qaida will continue with part 2.

MB

From Sources:

35 years after she led a suicide attack that killed 38 Isreali civilians, including children, the legend of Dalal Mughrabi grows larger than life with the release of the “Legend of Dalal Mughrabi, the Sex tape: Dalal does Dallas!!!”

chapter one- ‘blow me up, blow me down’

chapter two- ‘what is that hiding under my hijab? (taking a hard look)’

chapter three- ‘what will I do with 72 virgins in paradise? I’ll show you!!!’

The historical significance of the ‘Legend of Dalal’ cannot be underestimated, says Professor  Ibn-al Fatah el shieki, sitting chair of Palestinian factoids at Tuttles university recently stated “the apparent appearance of a so called ‘sex tape’ from 35 years ago in reality shows the healthy imaginings of a young and (incredibly) flexible woman on her way to self awareness through exploration of the body and spirit. WOW.

The fact that she ended her life by ‘blowing herself up’ is either the cruelest of ironies, or the greatest of  Freudian slips.

Although for years, a whisper of a story has circulated that she was unknowingly involved, as she had become an embarrassment to the PLO leadership, and she was surreptitiously contacted by Yasser in the guise of a Hollywood producer, and asked if she would be interested in getting in a huge movie doing a ‘blow job’. The story goes she ‘auditioned’ on Yasser, he ‘gave’ her the part, told her to be on a bus at this time and date, history is made and an embarrassment removed. That’s the story anyway.”

sept 19,2013

Supreme Court scandal surfaces 26 years after the fact!

1982, newly confirmed Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day o’Connor just moved up to the majors by then President Ronald Reagan as the first female to hit the “bigs”. The pressure to perform with the “boys” is immense: the story is related by Supreme Court clerk “Dobby” CJ Fredrikson “We could all see the pressure that Justice o’Connor felt, this being her first time in the “show”. We all wanted her to succeed, so when the changes started we all just, we all turned a blind eye.”

Unnamed sources close to the Justice “It was there for anyone who really wanted to see it. It started slowly, but at the end of several terms it was apparent the the strength and power that was there could not be due to normal conditioning and training.”

“Everyone would complement Madam Justice on her ‘lovely new hairstyle’, but it was obvious that her brain power was growing tremendously.”

Friends close to the Justice tell us that it was only when Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the second female Justice with 3 words in her name came to the court that she was finally able to break her reliance on performance enhancing drugs to make her opinions more powerful and fell back on those qualities that brought her to the “show” in the first place.

sept 19,2013

Ignoring the world-wide boycott of support that accompanied the President on his jaunt around the globe after his first inauguration, President Obama has decided that “the acts of President Assad against his own people are so heinous and degenerate that as the leader of the free world, the United States must take the lead, even if it is in a parade of one, and take action against the monstrous Syrian regime.” Secretary of State Kerry emphatically stated ” It MUST be understood, that this is NOT unilateral action, but rather what we call in diplomatic circles hegemonious consensus. We have and continue to be in constant contact with our allies, especially the French, and our good friends to the west, the Mexicans.”

To make this truly an “all-American” effort, the President has tasked each of his cabinet members to come up with an appropriate policy/punishment for the Syrian regime.

Vice President Joe Biden: “I’ll be damned if I use the good paddles the next time they come over for Ping-Pong”

Secretary of State Kerry: “Syrian diplomats WILL be required to go through the full body scanners when entering and leaving the United States and all domestic airports. TSA officials WILL be required to giggle loudly as they walk through and may point and smirk at Syrian diplomats at their own discretion”

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew: “All monetary transactions between the US and the Syrians will until further notice be conducted in dimes and nickels only.”

Department of Defense, Chuck Hagel: “It goes without saying that the Armed forces of the United States are ready, able and willing to carry out any and all commands and orders of the Commander in Chief. While there is NO indication at this time that any ‘boots on the ground’ will be required, the armed forces new Rainbow Commandos (loud and proud, gay and gray) will be available to perform for all military occasions. I must say we are especially proud of our flag team. In a recent competition between the flags and rifles, the flags dominated the rifles with their expert handling of their poles in many different and difficult positions. We can also confirm, that in concert with the Department of Homeland security and Secretary Napolitano, that the DOD with the support of the Air Force and the CIA are involved in conducting a series of ‘aerial disinformation’ campaigns, dropping flyers over the major cities and strongholds of Syria. The messages are stinging indictments to the Assad regime, including “Bashie is a weiner”, “it’s a-sad-sad day”, and for variety, one flyer just says “made you look!”

Further possibilities of holding the Syrian regime accountable for its actions that were discussed include: Stopping all mail delivery on Thursdays and Saturdays. Not putting out the good silverware and plates at the next Syrian state dinner. Having the NSA call and hang up on President Assad 10 or 15 times in a row. Sending the Delta force or Seal team Six in and let all the air out of the Presidents tires.

The President has stated that he will let the American people know exactly what and who he is going to do and when and where.

More to follow.

aug 30, 2013

“From the deepest recesses of time and space somewhere just north of the end of the world and slightly above the floor of the  bottomless pit in farthest reaches of hell Millard has found Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and is preparing”

Abu: Millard, please. ‘slightly above the floor of the bottomless pit in the farthest reaches of hell’, I don’t know that’s the image I want to convey.

Millard: oh, so “coming to you from the penthouse suite of the Afnan Charming Hotel centrally located near the heart of downtown Damascus, being served tea and lemon on silver servings and sitting in air conditioned comfort with’

Abu: I can appreciate the imagery; maybe start with ‘on the plains of Trenzalore’?

Millard: A little obtuse for your audience, maybe in the vein of ‘somewhere from Demons Run’?

Abu: touche’.

Millard: To start, Abu Bakr, what IS the Bag-dadi thing? You must know that the audience you’re playing to is NOT the illiterate arab hoardes but the more decadent westernized. You are about two steps from being mocked on late night TV. and if your name was ‘big-booty’ instead of ‘bag-dadi’ no one would take you seriously no matter what your status in Al Qaeda.

Abu: And so did Pontius Pilate say “I have a wery gweat fwiend in Wome named Biggus Dickus”

Your point is taken Millard, which is why you are here by the way, but for a while my primary  audience is the illiterate arab hoarde. It is no secret that the US government is offering a 10 million dollar reward for me. And THAT my friend, is an award that is directed to the decadent westernized arab. My supporters, followers if you will, the ones who actually know who and where I am and could turn me in in a moment, could visualize the 10 million dollars the same way they could explain the distance from the earth to the sun: it’s an impossible distance. That which they would turn me in for, in a heart beat, are those things that only someone who understands the Arab mind would consider. And Millard, the secret to our success, is while we understand YOU, you do not understand US. It goes without saying that the higher the reward for my capture, in all reality, the safer I am.

Millard: Your relationship, or lack of, with Ayman Al-Zawahri?

Abu: Gee, every year he looks more and more like Father Christmas doesn’t he.

(Millard: chuckle,”Like a bowl full of jelly”)

Abu: There may be something to : live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse. Especially in his case. He is getting so far away from the roots of the struggle that his ‘leadership’ is beginning to be an embarrassment. He envisions the ‘corporate Al Qaeda’ the multinational brand, and after seeing what happened with Osama, he is starting to be concerned about his legacy. An Osama trapped in a cave is someone who can be dumped unsung out at sea from a boat; an Osama sitting behind a desk on the 90th floor would have been protected! Ayman does not want to be dumped out at sea.

Millard: What about Abu Bakr? What does he fear the most?

Abu: Truthfully?

Millard: yes

Abu: Free Wi-Fi and internet.

Millard: reporting from the deepest recess of time and space, slightly above the bottom of the darkest corner of the bottomless pit of hell. This is Millard Bunson reporting.

Abu: millard.

Millard: journalistic integrity abu, journalistic integrity.

aug 12,2013

“It all started with the appointment of Anne Patterson” reports Egyptian specialist Mohammed Al-imentary, sitting professor of the Pharonic chair at Tuttles University in Washington D.C. “In Egyptian type Arabic, the “e” sound in existant unlike in English where the “e” sound is mostly silent. So that an ‘unlettered’ Egyptian would pronounce the name “anneeee Patterson” (with a LONG ‘e’ sound) and the introduction into American linguistic anomalies REALLY became an issue with the possibility of Robert Ford becoming Ambassador”.

“You must remember that while the majority of Egyptians do not understand English, English “catchphrases” have been integrated into the core of Egyptian vocabulary. So that when someone may hear on TV ‘have you driven a FORD lately’, they may take it to mean that the future ambassador is easily swayed. ” what can YOU a-FORD to pay” may be taken to mean to some that the ambassador is open to bribes and scandal. A reference to a mustang as a ‘FORD COUPE’ might be misunderstood as a referral to slang for a ‘coup d’etat’.”

In an exclusive ‘one on one’ with Presidential spokesperson Jaye Carnay, Millard Bunson asked:

“first Jay, is it true that you were made an ‘honorary Lady in Waiting’ to the Queen of England for talking Prince William and Kate out of naming their son ‘Barak’?”

Jay: Millard, please, US- Anglo relations are strong and will remain strong. My possible elevation will have to remain a matter of conjecture.

Millard: So those deliveries of Taffeta to the Carnay household…?

Jay: Ha,Ha, I do look good in taffeta. Next question.

Millard: The nomination of Robert Ford?

Jay: Secretary Kerry has singled out former Ambassador to Syria Ford as being the best representative for America in the area and will propose the Senate confirm him in that position.

Millard: Clearly Kerry considered calling Clinton?

Jay: Senate support seems certain.

Millard: Frequent Ford foibles forcing fresh findings feel foolish?

Jay: Canadian canards create quantum quibbles quickly quashed.

Millard: Possible Patterson posting?

Jay: Anne absolutely advancing assuming agreement.

Millard: thank

Jay: you

aug 10, 2013

Former secretary to Osama bin Ladin, Nasser “Hathaway” al-Wahishi, left behind his collection of notes surreptitiously titled “the well tempered bombadier”, a collection of notes on the solo terrorist featuring the ideal of ‘if it isn’t baroque, don’t fix it’.

Known in the early years as “wishy washy wahishi” because of his tendency to change his mind when under duress, it was no surprise to any of his contemporaries when he attached himself to that rising star known as Osama bin Ladin. While most great men of the time would have said “I am lost without my Boswell”, Osama thought it was to counterculture (for an Islamist) and decided instead to call Nasser “my Hathaway”. Not understanding until later in life who Jane Hathaway was, it was to late and the nickname has persisted to this day.

Items of note in “the well tempered bombadier” include not only the basics of bomb making (including the failed attempt of the ‘suicide yak’) but also how to win the hearts and minds of those you want to conquer. He expounds at length on the subject of diaper allocations: huggie vs pampers vs natural cloth, and the impact on the environment. An entire chapter on ‘environmentally friendly Jihad’ lends itself to the importance of the carbon footprint of Jihad and the economics of carbon offsets. In a critical self examination of the attempt to blow up a Detroit bound flight in 2009, the unassuming ‘Hathaway’ remarks “what kind of idiots were we to think that keeping anyone from getting to Detroit would be a bad thing”.

aug 10, 2013

? so offensive to be worthy of Jihad ?

Moh’d the Prophet takes his army of 10,000 and surrounds the Wahibist telling them they are not true muslims and they must submit to him or perish. The wahibist submit and join Moh’d army.

Moh’d then takes his army of 20,000 and surrounds the Sunni’s telling them they are not true muslims and they must submit to him or perish. The sunni’s are scared witless, submit and join Moh’d army.  Moh’d then takes his army of 30,000 and surrounds the Shiites, telling them they are not true muslims and they must submit to him or die.

The Shiite leader comes out on his camel with a piece of paper, saying “I am Iftar and this is from our God, and it says the Shiite’s are the true muslim! Attack if you will! Our Shiite God will protect us and you will be destoyed!”  Iftar then  gets off his camel, draws a line in the sand, and then goes back to his people. Moh’d becomes enraged, gathers up his army, all 30,000, shouting ALLAH AKBAR and all ride forward waving their swords to slaughter the Shiites.

The moment the horde crosses the line drawn in the sand a massive 25,000 ton pile of crap falls from the sky, engulfing and crushing the oncoming army and killing Moh’d.

As the dust and sand settle, the avenging army of Moh’d destroyed, a voice comes down from the heavens “Iftar, clean your glasses! It does NOT say “Shiite!””

aug 10, 2013

Special Briefing

Senior Administration Officials

Washington D.C.

Shawwal 3, 1434

Moderator: thank you all for joining us on this call. For all the regulars, please note we have changed the teleconference number so we should NOT be mistaken any more for the ‘Home shopping Network’. Number 2, please note that in the spirit of international ecumenism we are listing this briefing under the Hijri date of Shawwal 3, 1434.

First question, Mr. Montoya.

“Ecumenism, you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

Moderator: Inconceivable. Next question. Ms. Gearan?

“Anne Gearan, Washington Post. Hi. Is it true that State has been referring to the hiatus in US Russian relations as “we’re taking a Snow Day”.

Moderator: Senior administration official one, do you want to take this one?

“sure. Its August, you can’t take a snow day in August. I’m sure you can’t. No.”

Moderator: Next question, Nicole Gaouette, Bloomberg News?

“Nicole Gaouette here. Hi. Could you explain States response to the Presidents assertion that the Russians are a ‘backward thinking’ people? I believe State said “I think your Putin’ words in the Presidents mouth.”

Moderator: I’ll take this. I agree, I don’t think you can take a snow day in August.

Next question. Mr. Gordon, New York Times.

“Michael R Gordon, New York Times. Hello. Apparently the future of the Geneva 2+2 is in jeopardy because the Russians are insisting that Iran be allowed to attend? Is it true that some accommodation is being made to exchange Justin Bieber for Iran?

Moderator: finally a serious question. Thank you. Yes, the fondness of the Russians for Justin Bieber  is well known, and State is in discussion with the UN and Justin to facilitate a successful accommodation.

Next question, Margaret Warner. PBS Newshour.

“HI everybody, Margaret Warner. PBS Newshour. Hi. Mr. Moderator, nuclear weapons? What will happen without, I mean, what about, think of the children!”

Moderator: Senior administration official three, would you take this please?

Senior administration official three: of course Moderator. Margaret, the President deeply and sincerely feels your pain. He too wants a world free from the devastating effects of nuclear weapons and often, after he and Michelle put their two little girls to bed they sit in their kitchen, the peoples kitchen as a matter of fact, and talk about their fears for their little girls future, the environment, the economy, what will they have when they are old enough to have families of their own. And Margaret, the answer is always the same, I hate to put it this way and in this language, but it’s not the Russians, it’s not the Islamists, it’s the darn Republicans and the legacy of Bush.

Moderator: thank you senior administration official three.

Lets see, we have time for one more, uh, on the line is Justin Fiskel of Fox news, so let’s go to Josh Rogin the Daily Beast. Josh:

“Yo, Josh Rogin, the Daily Beast. Back to Snowden, why man, why?”

Moderator: First Josh, it’s the duty

Josh:(HE SAID DOODY, snicker,snicker)

Moderator: DUTY Josh, DUTY of the democratically elected government of these United States to enforce the laws that keep its people safe and secure. Number two

Josh: (HE SAID NUMBER TWO, snicker,snicker)

Moderator: gee, in the second place, heck. Justin, are you still on the line? Justin Fiskel, Fox news.

“Justin Fiskel, Fox News Reporting: Sir, please note that even though we are teleconferencing and you can’t see me, I am standing up to address you and even though I would never ever vote for one of your ‘ilk’, I address you with the respect your experience and office deserve. My question: What would that godless hypocrite Putin have to do to make our pansy President crawl back to the table and unilaterally disarm my country and sell us out to the wolves?

Moderator: Senior administration official one, two, three? We all agree Justin.

You can’t take a snow day in August.

thank you and good by.

aug 10, 2013

Department of State combined press Briefs

State Department

Washington D.C.

July 29/30 2013

Jen Psaki

Transcript

11pm start:

Jen: mm. mmm. mmmm. mmmmm-hmm.

hm-mm. mm. hmmm.

hm. hm. hm. hm.

(1134 pm) mm-mmmm.

Millard: sorry to interrupt Jen, but could I ask a question?

Jen: hmmm? huh. oh, yes. thank you all for being here. goodbye.

(general laughter).

Jen: what’s your itch Millard?

Millard: on the subject of iftar dinner?

will the Secretary be meeting the President, the President the Secretary, the Secretary the Secretary the Prime minister and the President, the Prime Minister the Secretary the Vice President the Ambassador and the Secretary with the Ministers? Or will it technically be more of a supper. Is there an iftar supper? Or is it just dinner?

Jen: good question Millard. Ever since last years fiasco over the cheese basket, Ambassador Indyk  has been a necessary fixture at these affairs. His knowledge of table etiquette and place settings has already averted several possible diplomatic crisis’, and I am referring to the ‘salad fork’ incident.

Matt (interrupting): Jen, is it true that Vice President Biden specifically asked for the Ambassador because quote” damn if that **** is going to fork this up again exclamation point unquote”?

(general snickering)

Jen: Matt, all I’ll say is that the Ambassador’s encyclopedic knowledge of cutlery amongst other things is what has enjoined the Presidents full trust and confidence. Next Question.

Millard: States reaction to the Manning trial?

Jen: As the verdict is coming out right now we have not had time to formulate a rationale, reasoned

Matt (interrupting): the verdict just came out on wiki-leaks would you

Jen (interrupting): even with the verdict JUST out State has not had time to formulate a

Matt (interrupting): wiki-leaks just posted State departments response to the verdict. Do you have a comment?

Jen: What! no. there is no

Matt (interrupting): WOW. wiki-leaks just posted your response and I must say that requires a little more clarification. Would you care to clarify and comment?

Jen: NO. We have

Matt (interrupting): well after reading the wiki-leaks  response I don’t know why you just didn’t say so in the first place.

Millard: Hmm-mmmm…

july 31, 2013