Special from the Oval Office

Ignoring the world-wide boycott of support that accompanied the President on his jaunt around the globe after his first inauguration, President Obama has decided that “the acts of President Assad against his own people are so heinous and degenerate that as the leader of the free world, the United States must take the lead, even if it is in a parade of one, and take action against the monstrous Syrian regime.” Secretary of State Kerry emphatically stated ” It MUST be understood, that this is NOT unilateral action, but rather what we call in diplomatic circles hegemonious consensus. We have and continue to be in constant contact with our allies, especially the French, and our good friends to the west, the Mexicans.”

To make this truly an “all-American” effort, the President has tasked each of his cabinet members to come up with an appropriate policy/punishment for the Syrian regime.

Vice President Joe Biden: “I’ll be damned if I use the good paddles the next time they come over for Ping-Pong”

Secretary of State Kerry: “Syrian diplomats WILL be required to go through the full body scanners when entering and leaving the United States and all domestic airports. TSA officials WILL be required to giggle loudly as they walk through and may point and smirk at Syrian diplomats at their own discretion”

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew: “All monetary transactions between the US and the Syrians will until further notice be conducted in dimes and nickels only.”

Department of Defense, Chuck Hagel: “It goes without saying that the Armed forces of the United States are ready, able and willing to carry out any and all commands and orders of the Commander in Chief. While there is NO indication at this time that any ‘boots on the ground’ will be required, the armed forces new Rainbow Commandos (loud and proud, gay and gray) will be available to perform for all military occasions. I must say we are especially proud of our flag team. In a recent competition between the flags and rifles, the flags dominated the rifles with their expert handling of their poles in many different and difficult positions. We can also confirm, that in concert with the Department of Homeland security and Secretary Napolitano, that the DOD with the support of the Air Force and the CIA are involved in conducting a series of ‘aerial disinformation’ campaigns, dropping flyers over the major cities and strongholds of Syria. The messages are stinging indictments to the Assad regime, including “Bashie is a weiner”, “it’s a-sad-sad day”, and for variety, one flyer just says “made you look!”

Further possibilities of holding the Syrian regime accountable for its actions that were discussed include: Stopping all mail delivery on Thursdays and Saturdays. Not putting out the good silverware and plates at the next Syrian state dinner. Having the NSA call and hang up on President Assad 10 or 15 times in a row. Sending the Delta force or Seal team Six in and let all the air out of the Presidents tires.

The President has stated that he will let the American people know exactly what and who he is going to do and when and where.

More to follow.

aug 30, 2013