Special from the Oval Office

Ignoring the world-wide boycott of support that accompanied the President on his jaunt around the globe after his first inauguration, President Obama has decided that “the acts of President Assad against his own people are so heinous and degenerate that as the leader of the free world, the United States must take the lead, even if it is in a parade of one, and take action against the monstrous Syrian regime.” Secretary of State Kerry emphatically stated ” It MUST be understood, that this is NOT unilateral action, but rather what we call in diplomatic circles hegemonious consensus. We have and continue to be in constant contact with our allies, especially the French, and our good friends to the west, the Mexicans.”

To make this truly an “all-American” effort, the President has tasked each of his cabinet members to come up with an appropriate policy/punishment for the Syrian regime.

Vice President Joe Biden: “I’ll be damned if I use the good paddles the next time they come over for Ping-Pong”

Secretary of State Kerry: “Syrian diplomats WILL be required to go through the full body scanners when entering and leaving the United States and all domestic airports. TSA officials WILL be required to giggle loudly as they walk through and may point and smirk at Syrian diplomats at their own discretion”

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew: “All monetary transactions between the US and the Syrians will until further notice be conducted in dimes and nickels only.”

Department of Defense, Chuck Hagel: “It goes without saying that the Armed forces of the United States are ready, able and willing to carry out any and all commands and orders of the Commander in Chief. While there is NO indication at this time that any ‘boots on the ground’ will be required, the armed forces new Rainbow Commandos (loud and proud, gay and gray) will be available to perform for all military occasions. I must say we are especially proud of our flag team. In a recent competition between the flags and rifles, the flags dominated the rifles with their expert handling of their poles in many different and difficult positions. We can also confirm, that in concert with the Department of Homeland security and Secretary Napolitano, that the DOD with the support of the Air Force and the CIA are involved in conducting a series of ‘aerial disinformation’ campaigns, dropping flyers over the major cities and strongholds of Syria. The messages are stinging indictments to the Assad regime, including “Bashie is a weiner”, “it’s a-sad-sad day”, and for variety, one flyer just says “made you look!”

Further possibilities of holding the Syrian regime accountable for its actions that were discussed include: Stopping all mail delivery on Thursdays and Saturdays. Not putting out the good silverware and plates at the next Syrian state dinner. Having the NSA call and hang up on President Assad 10 or 15 times in a row. Sending the Delta force or Seal team Six in and let all the air out of the Presidents tires.

The President has stated that he will let the American people know exactly what and who he is going to do and when and where.

More to follow.

aug 30, 2013

From the Desk of Millard Bunson: SPECIAL

“From the deepest recesses of time and space somewhere just north of the end of the world and slightly above the floor of the  bottomless pit in farthest reaches of hell Millard has found Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and is preparing”

Abu: Millard, please. ‘slightly above the floor of the bottomless pit in the farthest reaches of hell’, I don’t know that’s the image I want to convey.

Millard: oh, so “coming to you from the penthouse suite of the Afnan Charming Hotel centrally located near the heart of downtown Damascus, being served tea and lemon on silver servings and sitting in air conditioned comfort with’

Abu: I can appreciate the imagery; maybe start with ‘on the plains of Trenzalore’?

Millard: A little obtuse for your audience, maybe in the vein of ‘somewhere from Demons Run’?

Abu: touche’.

Millard: To start, Abu Bakr, what IS the Bag-dadi thing? You must know that the audience you’re playing to is NOT the illiterate arab hoardes but the more decadent westernized. You are about two steps from being mocked on late night TV. and if your name was ‘big-booty’ instead of ‘bag-dadi’ no one would take you seriously no matter what your status in Al Qaeda.

Abu: And so did Pontius Pilate say “I have a wery gweat fwiend in Wome named Biggus Dickus”

Your point is taken Millard, which is why you are here by the way, but for a while my primary  audience is the illiterate arab hoarde. It is no secret that the US government is offering a 10 million dollar reward for me. And THAT my friend, is an award that is directed to the decadent westernized arab. My supporters, followers if you will, the ones who actually know who and where I am and could turn me in in a moment, could visualize the 10 million dollars the same way they could explain the distance from the earth to the sun: it’s an impossible distance. That which they would turn me in for, in a heart beat, are those things that only someone who understands the Arab mind would consider. And Millard, the secret to our success, is while we understand YOU, you do not understand US. It goes without saying that the higher the reward for my capture, in all reality, the safer I am.

Millard: Your relationship, or lack of, with Ayman Al-Zawahri?

Abu: Gee, every year he looks more and more like Father Christmas doesn’t he.

(Millard: chuckle,”Like a bowl full of jelly”)

Abu: There may be something to : live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse. Especially in his case. He is getting so far away from the roots of the struggle that his ‘leadership’ is beginning to be an embarrassment. He envisions the ‘corporate Al Qaeda’ the multinational brand, and after seeing what happened with Osama, he is starting to be concerned about his legacy. An Osama trapped in a cave is someone who can be dumped unsung out at sea from a boat; an Osama sitting behind a desk on the 90th floor would have been protected! Ayman does not want to be dumped out at sea.

Millard: What about Abu Bakr? What does he fear the most?

Abu: Truthfully?

Millard: yes

Abu: Free Wi-Fi and internet.

Millard: reporting from the deepest recess of time and space, slightly above the bottom of the darkest corner of the bottomless pit of hell. This is Millard Bunson reporting.

Abu: millard.

Millard: journalistic integrity abu, journalistic integrity.

aug 12,2013

Egypt on the Brink!

“It all started with the appointment of Anne Patterson” reports Egyptian specialist Mohammed Al-imentary, sitting professor of the Pharonic chair at Tuttles University in Washington D.C. “In Egyptian type Arabic, the “e” sound in existant unlike in English where the “e” sound is mostly silent. So that an ‘unlettered’ Egyptian would pronounce the name “anneeee Patterson” (with a LONG ‘e’ sound) and the introduction into American linguistic anomalies REALLY became an issue with the possibility of Robert Ford becoming Ambassador”.

“You must remember that while the majority of Egyptians do not understand English, English “catchphrases” have been integrated into the core of Egyptian vocabulary. So that when someone may hear on TV ‘have you driven a FORD lately’, they may take it to mean that the future ambassador is easily swayed. ” what can YOU a-FORD to pay” may be taken to mean to some that the ambassador is open to bribes and scandal. A reference to a mustang as a ‘FORD COUPE’ might be misunderstood as a referral to slang for a ‘coup d’etat’.”

In an exclusive ‘one on one’ with Presidential spokesperson Jaye Carnay, Millard Bunson asked:

“first Jay, is it true that you were made an ‘honorary Lady in Waiting’ to the Queen of England for talking Prince William and Kate out of naming their son ‘Barak’?”

Jay: Millard, please, US- Anglo relations are strong and will remain strong. My possible elevation will have to remain a matter of conjecture.

Millard: So those deliveries of Taffeta to the Carnay household…?

Jay: Ha,Ha, I do look good in taffeta. Next question.

Millard: The nomination of Robert Ford?

Jay: Secretary Kerry has singled out former Ambassador to Syria Ford as being the best representative for America in the area and will propose the Senate confirm him in that position.

Millard: Clearly Kerry considered calling Clinton?

Jay: Senate support seems certain.

Millard: Frequent Ford foibles forcing fresh findings feel foolish?

Jay: Canadian canards create quantum quibbles quickly quashed.

Millard: Possible Patterson posting?

Jay: Anne absolutely advancing assuming agreement.

Millard: thank

Jay: you

aug 10, 2013

How to wage Jihad: Al Qaida’s “yumping Yemeni”

Former secretary to Osama bin Ladin, Nasser “Hathaway” al-Wahishi, left behind his collection of notes surreptitiously titled “the well tempered bombadier”, a collection of notes on the solo terrorist featuring the ideal of ‘if it isn’t baroque, don’t fix it’.

Known in the early years as “wishy washy wahishi” because of his tendency to change his mind when under duress, it was no surprise to any of his contemporaries when he attached himself to that rising star known as Osama bin Ladin. While most great men of the time would have said “I am lost without my Boswell”, Osama thought it was to counterculture (for an Islamist) and decided instead to call Nasser “my Hathaway”. Not understanding until later in life who Jane Hathaway was, it was to late and the nickname has persisted to this day.

Items of note in “the well tempered bombadier” include not only the basics of bomb making (including the failed attempt of the ‘suicide yak’) but also how to win the hearts and minds of those you want to conquer. He expounds at length on the subject of diaper allocations: huggie vs pampers vs natural cloth, and the impact on the environment. An entire chapter on ‘environmentally friendly Jihad’ lends itself to the importance of the carbon footprint of Jihad and the economics of carbon offsets. In a critical self examination of the attempt to blow up a Detroit bound flight in 2009, the unassuming ‘Hathaway’ remarks “what kind of idiots were we to think that keeping anyone from getting to Detroit would be a bad thing”.

aug 10, 2013

Remember Molly Norris

? so offensive to be worthy of Jihad ?

Moh’d the Prophet takes his army of 10,000 and surrounds the Wahibist telling them they are not true muslims and they must submit to him or perish. The wahibist submit and join Moh’d army.

Moh’d then takes his army of 20,000 and surrounds the Sunni’s telling them they are not true muslims and they must submit to him or perish. The sunni’s are scared witless, submit and join Moh’d army.  Moh’d then takes his army of 30,000 and surrounds the Shiites, telling them they are not true muslims and they must submit to him or die.

The Shiite leader comes out on his camel with a piece of paper, saying “I am Iftar and this is from our God, and it says the Shiite’s are the true muslim! Attack if you will! Our Shiite God will protect us and you will be destoyed!”  Iftar then  gets off his camel, draws a line in the sand, and then goes back to his people. Moh’d becomes enraged, gathers up his army, all 30,000, shouting ALLAH AKBAR and all ride forward waving their swords to slaughter the Shiites.

The moment the horde crosses the line drawn in the sand a massive 25,000 ton pile of crap falls from the sky, engulfing and crushing the oncoming army and killing Moh’d.

As the dust and sand settle, the avenging army of Moh’d destroyed, a voice comes down from the heavens “Iftar, clean your glasses! It does NOT say “Shiite!””

aug 10, 2013

Notes: Briefing on U.S.- Russia 2+2 meeting via Teleconference

Special Briefing

Senior Administration Officials

Washington D.C.

Shawwal 3, 1434

Moderator: thank you all for joining us on this call. For all the regulars, please note we have changed the teleconference number so we should NOT be mistaken any more for the ‘Home shopping Network’. Number 2, please note that in the spirit of international ecumenism we are listing this briefing under the Hijri date of Shawwal 3, 1434.

First question, Mr. Montoya.

“Ecumenism, you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

Moderator: Inconceivable. Next question. Ms. Gearan?

“Anne Gearan, Washington Post. Hi. Is it true that State has been referring to the hiatus in US Russian relations as “we’re taking a Snow Day”.

Moderator: Senior administration official one, do you want to take this one?

“sure. Its August, you can’t take a snow day in August. I’m sure you can’t. No.”

Moderator: Next question, Nicole Gaouette, Bloomberg News?

“Nicole Gaouette here. Hi. Could you explain States response to the Presidents assertion that the Russians are a ‘backward thinking’ people? I believe State said “I think your Putin’ words in the Presidents mouth.”

Moderator: I’ll take this. I agree, I don’t think you can take a snow day in August.

Next question. Mr. Gordon, New York Times.

“Michael R Gordon, New York Times. Hello. Apparently the future of the Geneva 2+2 is in jeopardy because the Russians are insisting that Iran be allowed to attend? Is it true that some accommodation is being made to exchange Justin Bieber for Iran?

Moderator: finally a serious question. Thank you. Yes, the fondness of the Russians for Justin Bieber  is well known, and State is in discussion with the UN and Justin to facilitate a successful accommodation.

Next question, Margaret Warner. PBS Newshour.

“HI everybody, Margaret Warner. PBS Newshour. Hi. Mr. Moderator, nuclear weapons? What will happen without, I mean, what about, think of the children!”

Moderator: Senior administration official three, would you take this please?

Senior administration official three: of course Moderator. Margaret, the President deeply and sincerely feels your pain. He too wants a world free from the devastating effects of nuclear weapons and often, after he and Michelle put their two little girls to bed they sit in their kitchen, the peoples kitchen as a matter of fact, and talk about their fears for their little girls future, the environment, the economy, what will they have when they are old enough to have families of their own. And Margaret, the answer is always the same, I hate to put it this way and in this language, but it’s not the Russians, it’s not the Islamists, it’s the darn Republicans and the legacy of Bush.

Moderator: thank you senior administration official three.

Lets see, we have time for one more, uh, on the line is Justin Fiskel of Fox news, so let’s go to Josh Rogin the Daily Beast. Josh:

“Yo, Josh Rogin, the Daily Beast. Back to Snowden, why man, why?”

Moderator: First Josh, it’s the duty

Josh:(HE SAID DOODY, snicker,snicker)

Moderator: DUTY Josh, DUTY of the democratically elected government of these United States to enforce the laws that keep its people safe and secure. Number two

Josh: (HE SAID NUMBER TWO, snicker,snicker)

Moderator: gee, in the second place, heck. Justin, are you still on the line? Justin Fiskel, Fox news.

“Justin Fiskel, Fox News Reporting: Sir, please note that even though we are teleconferencing and you can’t see me, I am standing up to address you and even though I would never ever vote for one of your ‘ilk’, I address you with the respect your experience and office deserve. My question: What would that godless hypocrite Putin have to do to make our pansy President crawl back to the table and unilaterally disarm my country and sell us out to the wolves?

Moderator: Senior administration official one, two, three? We all agree Justin.

You can’t take a snow day in August.

thank you and good by.

aug 10, 2013