from the desk of Islamic Jihad

Dear Islamic comrades in arms:

It has been decided by the Supreme Council to discontinue the use of the

“SUICIDE YAK” in favor of other more deadly (and certain) modalities.

We applaud the initiative of our Taliban brother in Allah who initially discovered the idea after sitting underneath his yak, close to the tail, and lighting a cigarette. The resulting explosion as the yak passed gas made an immediate martyr of our brother and began the unfortunate start of hundreds of young Muslim driving herds of yaks, cows, sheep and an occasional goat into village and town squares, sitting under them, lifting their tails, and lighting matches.

We applaud in particular Abdulrahman, martyred the moment the lit match brushed ever so slightly against the yaks scrotum.

While we encourage initiative, please forward any new ideas to the Supreme Council before implementation.

oct 14, 2006

Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, talks

In a secret undisclosed location, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah gave this reporter an in-depth, exclusive interview:

MB- Sheik Nasrallah, thank you for your time.

SN- of course Millard, are you comfortable? Would you like some tea? Osama, get us some tea and dates.

MB- Sheik Nasrallah, it has been reported that you never foresaw nor intended the conflagration that occurred after your capture of the Israeli soldiers.

SN- first, let me emphasize that we never captured them. It was simply a matter of miscommunication.

My Hezbollah club members thought the soldiers were saying “would you like a game of Whist?”. They don’t speak Hebrew, and apparently “would you stop shooting at us?” in Hebrew sounds very much like “would you like a game of Whist?” in Arabic. We are big Whist players, we Lebanese! So, of course they said “YES!”. After the invasion started, it was not safe to let the soldiers go, so we have been keeping them safe. They are very good Whist players too!

MB- thank you for clearing that up Sheik Nasrallah.

SN- as to the other part of the question, if I would have had a 1 percent inclination that inviting the two soldiers over to play Whist would have had this effect, we never would have done it. Even a 1 percent chance!

Wait a moment please: Turn up the radio, what were those lottery numbers? And the Powerball? AHHH. Nothing.

I always play my mothers birthday. Well, maybe next time.

Anyway, even if there had been a smaller than 1 percent chance we wouldn’t have done it!

MB- what of the United Nations role in seeking to help resolve the conflict.

SN- first I would like to distance myself from any knowledge of any irregularities that occur from our group hiring any of Kofi Annans relatives to help with the assigning of contracts to help rebuild the downtown Beirut districts. I believe that the United Nations can be instrumental in achieving the delay that predicates the possibility of potential peace based on the assumption of full Lebanese sovereignty integral to the national interests of border states such as Syria and regional partners such as Iran with the full duplicity of the European Union; mediated with the economic assistance of those peace loving members of the western democracies resolving to mitigate the suffering of our poor Lebanese brethren and assuring the structural integrity of this state of resolution that maintains the status quo and keeps me in turbans.

MB- very well said, Sheik Nasrallah. I think what is on everyone’s mind is, now that the conflict is over, what are you going to do?

SN- I’m going to Disneyland! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Osama! Where is that tea? Thank you Millard.

MB- Somewhere in somewhere, this is Millard Bunson.

aug 27, 2006

From Ayman al Zawahri

Welcome to our new brothers of Gamaa al Islamiya!

Some problems have occurred that I would like to address now:

1- Membership cards of Gamaa al Islamiya will be honored and you will receive the 10% discount at all Al Qaeda member stores.

2- Members of Gamaa al Islamiya will no longer be accruing double frequent flyer miles when using the company card. If you wish to know why PLEASE READ THE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK.

3- To our brethren of the Gamaa al Islamiya who wished to form the Hezbollah support group the “Islamic Brotherhood Of Warriors Embracing Lebanon Movement” we applaud your effort. The banners, posters, flags and brochures featuring the “Islamic B.O.W.E.L. Movement” were in the process of being made though, and we ask that any new names for groups be submitted before any advertising or promotional material is made.

4- Members of Gamaa al Islamiys are invited to the company picnic, Osama promises to do his “I am Woman” on the karaoke in full burka again this year.


aug 6, 2006