Another Prophet Mohamed joke (pbuh)

After a long day of Jihad, the Prophet walks into “Joes”, sits down at the bar, and yells at Joe to bring him the usual. Joe isn’t actually there, but his nephew Burt is. Burt leans over to one of the regulars to ask him what the Prophets ‘usual’ is. Burt looks a little perplexed, but shrugs ‘okay’, gets a large mug, fills it full of beer, sets it in front of Mohamed, takes out a knife and decapitates the Prophet in one smooth stroke. He picks up the stunned bouncing face from the floor and puts it on the beer. Joe walks in at that minute and looking at the mess and his nephew shakes his head asking Burt what happened. Burt turns to his uncle and says “he asked for his usual, and they said his usual was a large beer but to make sure it had a good head on it.’

Remember Molly Norris

A physics joke:
Omar Abdel-Rahman dies and goes to heaven to stand in front of St. Peter and the pearly gates. Omar says to St. Peter “I AM THE BLIND SHAKE AND” and disappears accompanied by the sounds of souls in torment. The angel attending St. Peter looks aghast and asked why he sent the blind shake to hell so fast. St. Peter looks at him and replies “oh, that’s just one of my little quarks”.

Get me to a safe zone, QUICK!

Hillary didn’t win.
Doesn’t everyone understand that the very basis of all the changes that have occurred over the past 8 years is the belief, no the CERTAINTY, that the fact that I can own my pain means that what I want has to not only be acknowledged, but actively catered too.
-How many Woman were terminally offended because the first woman president wasn’t elected. How many of the ‘conversations’ (how do I tell my daughter that she didn’t win?) took place.
-How many people woke up to ‘not the country I: thought I lived in, knew I lived in, was disappointed that I lived in…’
-How many people woke up with a sense of fear, foreboding, fearful foreboding.
-How many people were surprised that every white person is a misogynistic racist jerk. How did they tell their daughters?
-How many people woke up wondering how so many others were so blind and stupid not to be able to see how obvious the choice had been.

The only thing I can do, is tell people to own their pain while they can.
-If you’re a student, tell your professor, teacher that you’re so upset you can’t attend classes or take midterms.
-If you’re the parent of a young child, encourage them to feel lost and forlorn for as long as you can, let them feel lost, because this isn’t the world you expected.
-If you’re a minority or female, march, break (other peoples) things and let everyone know how terribly unfair life is and that you didn’t get your way.
-If you are ? questioning ?, hurry up and use whatever bathroom you want to, because who knows what may happen in the potty in a month or two. It could be devastating. Just devastating.

And finally, remember that people, PEOPLE! owe you the right to own your pain.

If not, then what were the last 8 years about?

Iowa code 718A: you shall not respect the first amendment

(on August 11,2016, Homer Martz was arrested in Iowa for hanging the US flag upside down as a protest, the charge was desecrating the american flag)
It must have been a very slow day when they decided to let Iowa become a part of the United States.
Maybe when they gave them the ‘homeowners association covenant rules and guideline’ they accidentally left out that part that had the little thing called the Constitution and Bill of Rights.
I think that maybe it’s time to designate Iowa as a ‘safe place’, so that when other people in ‘really mean’ states get their feelings hurt, they can go to Iowa because there are no potty mouths or bad people there.
-It is against the law in state of Confusion (otherwise known as Iowa) to “…publicly…satirize,deride or burlesque, either by words or act, flag of the …United States or …flag of this state [iowa].
It is important to point out that while illegal to SATIRIZE the flag, it is apparently legal to SATYRIZE it (leading to the unappetizing picture of the Daughters of the American Revolution frolicking about in Dionysian orgies wrapped in nothing but the staid flag of Iowa to cover their nether regions).
-As reported in “The Messenger” the local paper and stalwart defender of the Constitution, a scathing editorial was noted that stated “Nothing compares to the Iowa state fair, Don’t miss your chance..” (this was actually written before the arrest of Homer Martz for hanging the flag upside down, but it appears to be as scathing an editorial as scathing gets in Iowa.)
-the flag of Iowa (simply a copy of the french flag) with what appears to be an eagle with its head turned and its beak pulling a ribbon adorned with the words ‘our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain” out of its ass.
And finally, kudos to those brave officers who arrested Mr. Martz. They the bastions of law enforcement, reminiscent of those same stalwarts who in the 50’s ‘had to arrest them colored people ’cause it’s agin the law for them to drink from the white peoples drinking fountains. Get along now, ya hear’. Some things don’t change, a case of arrested development?
Let’s run it up the flag-pole and see if anyone salutes?

…and the word was made fresh

Heaven: Corporate headquarters
Office of God.

(door opens)
Oh, hello Sir, would you have a seat.
Sure Jeanine, thank you.
(intercom) God, Jesus is here, your 10 o’clock.
(static) I know Jeanine, send him in please.
Jeanine- God is always so nice
(louder) I can hear you Jeanine.
Jeanine- (whispering) except on Mondays
(whispering) I can still hear you Jeanine!
Jeanine- Jesus, do you know how long it’s been since I’ve got a raise?
NOW he can’t hear me.
(I heard that)
Please send Jesus in Jeanine.
Jeanine- please go in, obviously he’s in one of his moods.
(the sound of thunder outside)
Jeanine- I HEARD THAT!
(Jesus goes into Gods office, shakes his hand and sits down)
God-thanks for coming in (intercom) Jeanine, please hold all my calls,
and (God winks at Jesus ‘watch this’) can you get us some coffee, 2
double Whip expresso and a couple of cheese Danish please?
(Jeanine walks in with 2 cups of chamomile tea and 2 bran muffins.)
Don’t want to be a role model, then don’t be God.
I’ll hold your calls Sir.
God looks at her as she walks out of the office and closes the door.
Well, I think it’s time we start planning for your second coming.
God-Just want to start throwing some ideas around, get a feel for what you think.
Well, what do you think?
Jesus-first, no manger, no barn. I do not want to see a cow outside of Mcdonalds.
God- gotcha. No Charlie Brown Christmas this time.
Jesus-but we can keep Vince Guaraldi.
God- definitely.
Jesus-Second, I think skipping the whole child-adolescent thing works this time.
Don’t want people to get wrapped up on parenting and growth issues. “he can’t be Jesus, would Jesus have 2 daddies?” “how can he be well rounded with 2 dozen brothers and sisters”, “is he a male, do you have trans feelings, have you ever kissed a boy. Have you ever kissed a girl…”
They would turn me into a reality show and I don’t want to be a part of “Jesus meets the Kardashians”
God- go on.
Jesus-We got the message out, we just need to reinforce it. “all you need is love” , buh buh dum dum da da.
Any chance on getting the rights back on that?
God- Not-a-chance
Jesus- have you talked with-
God-I can call anybody, but you know as well as I that I can’t make them pick up the phone.
Jesus-true dat
God- ‘true dat’?
“I gotta rap,
Cause it is my time,
I’m Jesus Christ
An I can bust a rhyme!”

I got a lot more street than I was before.
God- yead. tell you what, you work up a facebook page. Get a twitter account.
Think about message and what I can do to help.
Remember we can’t cheat and we have to play by the rules.
Jesus-(smiling) and that includes…?
God- yeah, we can put something on Netflix.
Jesus- you the man. Get back together in about a week?

God (intercom) Jeanine, could you put Jesus on the book for next week. We can make it a lunch.
(aside: it’ll get me out and I know this great little Italian place).
Jeanine- yes sir, and your 11 o’clock is here.
God- oh hell.
Jesus- that bad?
God-huh, no no no. it’s hell. My 11 o’clock.
Jesus-hat off to the man in charge.
God-get out of here son.
Send him in Jeanine.

To be continued…

Campaign headquarters

The Inner Sanctum
-isn’t it strange how HRC also can be ‘Her Royal’, we won’t even have to get the towel or napkin embroidery changed!
-gosh, almost like fate.
-Back to business. When we decided to put that damn server in the toilet so we could control ‘what got flushed’ after she was ‘finished doing her business’ who would have thought it would’ve developed into this pile of poop.
-We deny, we obfuscate, it’s part of the chicken wing conspiracy right? RIGHT?
-unfortunately we have to start thinking of the possibility that some incriminating material may have been ‘left on the blue dress’, metaphorically speaking.
-Don’t tell me he got caught with
-NO, not him!
-OH GAWD, somebody caught her and
-NO,NO,,no! met-a-phor-i-cal-ly speaking! Geez. What I’m saying is that the possibility exists that those idiots we hired were not in fact idiots, they actually KNEW who they were dealing with, and kept their own records on the side.
-so nobody caught…?
-okay-doakay. So, what do we do? Is the Big ‘O’ gonna help.
-probably not as much as we would hope, it’s legacy time now. Our guy could pardon whomever he wanted at the end, what else could they say about him that was new, you either loved him or not, whatever he did.
-I saw the e-mail he sent “I won’t let there be a lynch-mob, I promise she won’t get lynched”.
-so what do we do?
-YOU figure out where we can fit a subtly understated gold crown on the linens, maybe raise the ‘R’ up a little or do you think putting it top of the ‘R’? get a working group together. I’ll focus on these other problems.
-HRC, almost like fate.
-almost like fate.

Letters to the Editor

Progress in Human Geography
letters to the Editor
Re: ‘Glaciers, gender, and science’

-…The overuse of the word ‘epistemological’ is as concerning as is it’s almost homophonic relationship to ‘episiotomy’ in relation to feminist discourse. Cut it out.

-…What we have found historically in looking through archival sources (FOIA) is that many women have applied to study glaciers, BUT, we have found that while proportionally and numerically MORE men have been given grants to study glaciers, the vast majority of men will study any glacier while the women almost exclusively apply to study only the largest glaciers. In response to a recent survey sent out to glaciologists, the men overwhelming indicated that scientific curiosity and significant scientific understanding can be achieved with study of a glacier of any size, while the female respondents reported unanimously that while some results can be statistically significant the best results can only be achieved with the largest masses.

-…just another paper, written by a man…

Select hearings on IS IS

(secretly recorded answers from the secret select committee hearing featuring John Mcain as Senator John Mcain and Ash Carter doing his impersonation of the Secretary of Defense. For national security reasons, all questions have been redacted and only answers have been cleared to be shown)

JM- redacted opening question.
AC-Well Senator, it all depends what your definition of IS, IS.
JM- redacted question.
AC-No, not ISIS, is,is.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Is ILL? No I’m feeling fine thank you
JM- redacted question.
AC-ISIL? Ohhh, I-S-I-L. , yes Senator, we do have a plan for fighting ISIL.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes, the ‘feminization’ of out fighting forces IS a part of our fight against ISIL. Strictly observant muslim will not interact with females. Our meticulously convoluted thought process is that if we blanket the front lines with women, as soon as the ISIL fighters see them, they will immediately leave the field of battle thinking that they have inadvertently gone into the ‘women’s sector’. To make it even more unpleasant for the ISIL fighters, we will announce over the battlefield that all our female soldiers are on their periods and they are all actively menstruating.
JM- redacted question.
AC-We are attempting to contain ISIL, right now we are anticipating complete engulfment within the confines of Texas in 6 to 12 months.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Look at our track record Sir, how can you NOT think our ‘ploy’ of accepting tens of thousands of ‘syrian’ refugees directly into Texas would work.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator, I know they look like children, and we prefer to call them “little people” and not ‘midgets’.
JM- redacted question.
AC-‘Dwarves’ is also not acceptable.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator.
JM- redacted question.
AC- a body and face covering hijab might allow a physically born male person to sneak past our customs people, but it is better to allow 100 terrorists in than offend the sensibilities of one devout female Muslim.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator, the administration is going to put out a directive to immigration to the effect that transgender persons should be allowed in under the ‘I’m persecuted and generally I don’t think I’m treated very well and you have to let me in’ exemption clause of the Immigration Act.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator, and that would cover (sic) Men attempting to enter the country dressed in full hijab and pretending to be women anyway, so why bother checking?
JM- redacted question.
AC-Senator, Please remember what makes this country great is our ability to care more about the feelings of one immigrant than the potential safety of tens of thousands of our own citizens!

The Senate select hearing committee meeting was given an emergency recess so that the Secretary of Defense could go to a ‘safe circle’ for a few moments.