Daily Briefs, State Department

Jen Psaki
Spokesperson
June 30, 2014
State Department
Daily Presser
(transcript abridged)

Jen- Hi, happy Monday.
Room-“good morning Miss Psaki”
Jen- well, good morning class!
(general laughter)

Some lite housekeeping first, Secretary Kerry will be going to Panama for
(interruption) will he be buying a hat?
Jen-what? Oh, Millard, I’m sorry what?
-will the Secretary be buying a hat- a Panama hat, for his head?
Jen- I’m sure the Secretary will be finding many ways to help support the local economy; I understand he is an avid philatelist.
Room- (gasp)
Jen- he collects stamps people.
Room- (oooh,sorry,oops)
-but Jen, is he going to buy a new hat, to put on his head?
Jen- Millard, what is so important about- oh my, did you get a haircut Millard?
-why yes Jen, I’m surprised you noticed.
Room-(wow, looks nice, styllin’ Millard)
Jen- Lookin’ good MB.

Matt- I got a haircut too.
Jen- and you look adorable too, for the record.
Matt-shucks.

Question: the Islamic state of Iraq and levant, the ISIL, now referred to as just the Islamic State, the IS, is it true that internal state documents are just referring to it as ‘the state of confusion’
Room: (chuckle)
Jen: it is true that beyond security and tending to the general welfare one of the primary responsibilities of any state is creating acceptable acronyms and drawing really cool flags. Neither of which that belligerent Islamic tribe creating havoc has done.
Room: (shout out) did you just call the ‘Islamic State’ a Belligerent Islamic Tribe Creating Havoc?
Jen: yes, they are a BITCH.
Room: (guffaws)

Question: once again 2 Americans have been arrested and are being threatened with
conviction then trial in North Korea after insulting their leader, Kim Jong-un.
Jen: the official version is that a Christian bible was found in their hotel room
Room: the Gideons perhaps?
Room: (chuckle)
Jen: not likely, and everyone knows how they feel about proselytizing.
Room: and the unofficial version?
Jen: I haven’t really heard that
Room: When Kim Jong asks you if you want to share a little 12 year old, pretend he’s talking about Scotch.
Jen: oh

Jen: all right, thanks everyone
Room: “thank you Miss Psaki”
(chuckle)

CODE NAME- NATHAN

A special meeting of a group that doesn’t really exist to take care of problems that never should have occurred: CODE NAME- NATHAN
Okay guys, we need options and we them yesterday!
John, I think you forgot a word?
What?
I said “John, I think you forgot a word?”
Gee, NO NAMES ‘alberto juarez’, cover names only.
Right. Excuse me ‘swifty morgan’ but I think you meant to say ‘we NEED them yesterday’
Yes yes yes. Are you happy now?
No, Happy Now is 2 chairs down from me
(chuckle chuckle chuckle)
Serious please!
Sirius Please is across the table.
(hah hah hah)
Jesus Christ
That’s a bit of a paradox, he’s not here but he’s always here.
STOP.
Starting over.
Now.
We need options to give the President on the situation in Iraq.
We really bit the big one on that.
Options please?
Okay, we need to think outside our comfort zone.
We need to think in a whole new way.
We need to think like, sorry guys, Republicans.
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
He’s right though.
What are some Republican ideas: group think, come on!
Chuck Norris, we’ll send Chuck Norris over there and he can kick their commie assess back to
the stone age.
I don’t think they’re ‘commie’, and we couldn’t sanction any ‘ass kicking’ especially if it was during prayer time when they were all on their knees. That would be ethnically insensitive, and we wouldn’t want to be insensitive, especially with the world watching. If they were Christians it would be a different story.
Oh yeah.
Yep
100%
No Chuck Norris,
No Chuck Norris, sorry.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck?
That would be genocide.
Something less Republican maybe?
Wait, wait, how about this:
A 3 pronged approach,
1-remember when the 9th circuit upheld California’s Air Resources Board ruling on Carbon emissions?
Yeah, so?
Essentially the Federal Judicial System said California could take a proactive stance on climate change and global warming on it’s own, right?
Okay, we follow you.
Step one, California extends this thinking to its logical conclusion and DECLARES WAR on the caliphate of the Levant to stop it’s enlarging carbon footprint, plan to pump and deliver MORE oil from the areas it now controls, and worst of all: it’s rumored that the members of the Islamic Levant do NOT extend full recognition and support to their transgender or questioning brethren or sisters.
Intolerable!
Jerry Brown WILL be upset when he hears this, wow. The national guard will be on its way in a week.
Step two: we surreptitiously (or syruptitiously for those who like puns) let slip on New York Media, maybe we can go on the VIEW, that not only do the rebels encourage the use of transfats in their diet, but they also promote the use of plastic bags to carry home their large plastic containers of Soda in.
And they DON’T even require a container deposit! I think we can get both the Bloombergers and the de Blasio-ites on board to join the California expedition on those grounds!
Step three, and this is the devious part that ‘kills two birds (not real birds guys) with one stone: I think we can canoodle Larry and Sergey into pulling a little one-two with googling maps: After we get California and New York to declare was on the Islamic Levant, the Levant and probably most of Al-Quaida will want to respond with attacks. Being in Iraq, they’ll have heard of Cali and New York but they-won’t-know-where-they-are! They’re a bunch of camel jockeys!
We get larry and serg to CHANGE THE NAMES OF CALIFORNIA AND NORTH KOREA!. When they google where to go, they’ll up attacking North Korea instead of California, we’ll have complete deniability, North Korea can take out the area there and we don’t have a problem anymore. In fact, with less oil available (after the NK’s nuke ‘em) people will HAVE to invest in cleaner energy sources, so we are really HELPING stop climate change and global warming too!
What you think?
John?
‘Alberto Juarez’, you are a genius. This is State’s new position, let’s go tell Barak.

Dear Ayman

Occassionally Millards blog is hijacked and personnel notices from government and terror organizations are posted, Millard apoligizes for that. Though Millard has many contacts made throughout his many years of ****** (pursuant to non disclosure agreements Millard cannot talk about prior work experience with any goverment) he has never considered himself a conduit for dissemination of information.

Many people (with the exception of Roger Clemens) have complete faith in Millards brand of Journalistic Integrity, to wit, the following correspondence was sent to Millard for posting:

At the end of the last Gregorian year, Al-Qaida informed the West that Ayman al-Zawahri would be willing to answer questions put forward to him in writing. In an effort to soften the harsh approach that decadent and corrupt Western journalist have taken and provide a true, unadulterated rendering of the Commanders remarks, Ayman al-Zawahri will answer those questions and post them here.

Question 1:

Dear Ayman,

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no such thing as Al -Qaida. Papa says “if you see it in Millard Bunson, it‘s so“. Please…

Little Susie, America USA.

Dear Susie:

Yes there is an Al-Qaida. There are many stories as to how we arrived; many are false.

We did not begin with several of us sitting around a Scrabble board and Osama spelling out ALQAIDA using all his letters on a triple word score, then swearing on the Koran that it was a word. (though when we play, Osama does bring his own ‘dictionary’). As with all groups, it evolved as myself and other like minded evolutionaries grew more enraged at the world around us.

Growing up as a child, and seeing American television, my friends and I first organized ourselves into the group, the “MAD ARABS”. Everyone now knows this group stood for

“Mujahideen

Against

Degenerate

Animators

Ridiculing

Arabic

Bulbous

Snozzes”

Playing as a youngster in the streets of Encino (not Cairo as some have suggested) and hearing the taunts of “big nose, big nose” after the morning cartoon shows set us on our jihadi paths. We never ran a successful operation as most of the members just thought it would be a “neat way to meet girls”. We gradually broke apart going our separate ways. This experience though did help us learn the importance of organizational structure, promotional material and uniforms (we learned that wearing a thobe/dress in Encino will get you beat up a lot).

The second true iteration of our Jihadi souls came when the Brotherhood of Allah and my group, the Islamic “Fun” guys (it was the 70’s) combined to become the ill fated Balsamic Underground.

The 1980’s were a turbulent time: trying to find glasses that fit and looked cool at the same time. The Botox in the lips was a really bad idea, and I’ve never really liked the turban thing.

In the 1990’s, financially struggling, it is true I came back to the United States and tried to get on as a contestant in several game shows. The closest I ever got was in the audience of the “Price is Right”. I realized at that moment there were more important things in my future as I KNEW the combined price of the washer/drier was $1235!!! and it was the person NEXT to me who was called to “come on down”.

The brief history of Al-Qaida will continue with part 2.

MB

Could it possibly be true?

From Sources:

35 years after she led a suicide attack that killed 38 Isreali civilians, including children, the legend of Dalal Mughrabi grows larger than life with the release of the “Legend of Dalal Mughrabi, the Sex tape: Dalal does Dallas!!!”

chapter one- ‘blow me up, blow me down’

chapter two- ‘what is that hiding under my hijab? (taking a hard look)’

chapter three- ‘what will I do with 72 virgins in paradise? I’ll show you!!!’

The historical significance of the ‘Legend of Dalal’ cannot be underestimated, says Professor  Ibn-al Fatah el shieki, sitting chair of Palestinian factoids at Tuttles university recently stated “the apparent appearance of a so called ‘sex tape’ from 35 years ago in reality shows the healthy imaginings of a young and (incredibly) flexible woman on her way to self awareness through exploration of the body and spirit. WOW.

The fact that she ended her life by ‘blowing herself up’ is either the cruelest of ironies, or the greatest of  Freudian slips.

Although for years, a whisper of a story has circulated that she was unknowingly involved, as she had become an embarrassment to the PLO leadership, and she was surreptitiously contacted by Yasser in the guise of a Hollywood producer, and asked if she would be interested in getting in a huge movie doing a ‘blow job’. The story goes she ‘auditioned’ on Yasser, he ‘gave’ her the part, told her to be on a bus at this time and date, history is made and an embarrassment removed. That’s the story anyway.”

sept 19,2013

Could it possibly be TRUE?

Supreme Court scandal surfaces 26 years after the fact!

1982, newly confirmed Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day o’Connor just moved up to the majors by then President Ronald Reagan as the first female to hit the “bigs”. The pressure to perform with the “boys” is immense: the story is related by Supreme Court clerk “Dobby” CJ Fredrikson “We could all see the pressure that Justice o’Connor felt, this being her first time in the “show”. We all wanted her to succeed, so when the changes started we all just, we all turned a blind eye.”

Unnamed sources close to the Justice “It was there for anyone who really wanted to see it. It started slowly, but at the end of several terms it was apparent the the strength and power that was there could not be due to normal conditioning and training.”

“Everyone would complement Madam Justice on her ‘lovely new hairstyle’, but it was obvious that her brain power was growing tremendously.”

Friends close to the Justice tell us that it was only when Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the second female Justice with 3 words in her name came to the court that she was finally able to break her reliance on performance enhancing drugs to make her opinions more powerful and fell back on those qualities that brought her to the “show” in the first place.

sept 19,2013

Special from the Oval Office

Ignoring the world-wide boycott of support that accompanied the President on his jaunt around the globe after his first inauguration, President Obama has decided that “the acts of President Assad against his own people are so heinous and degenerate that as the leader of the free world, the United States must take the lead, even if it is in a parade of one, and take action against the monstrous Syrian regime.” Secretary of State Kerry emphatically stated ” It MUST be understood, that this is NOT unilateral action, but rather what we call in diplomatic circles hegemonious consensus. We have and continue to be in constant contact with our allies, especially the French, and our good friends to the west, the Mexicans.”

To make this truly an “all-American” effort, the President has tasked each of his cabinet members to come up with an appropriate policy/punishment for the Syrian regime.

Vice President Joe Biden: “I’ll be damned if I use the good paddles the next time they come over for Ping-Pong”

Secretary of State Kerry: “Syrian diplomats WILL be required to go through the full body scanners when entering and leaving the United States and all domestic airports. TSA officials WILL be required to giggle loudly as they walk through and may point and smirk at Syrian diplomats at their own discretion”

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew: “All monetary transactions between the US and the Syrians will until further notice be conducted in dimes and nickels only.”

Department of Defense, Chuck Hagel: “It goes without saying that the Armed forces of the United States are ready, able and willing to carry out any and all commands and orders of the Commander in Chief. While there is NO indication at this time that any ‘boots on the ground’ will be required, the armed forces new Rainbow Commandos (loud and proud, gay and gray) will be available to perform for all military occasions. I must say we are especially proud of our flag team. In a recent competition between the flags and rifles, the flags dominated the rifles with their expert handling of their poles in many different and difficult positions. We can also confirm, that in concert with the Department of Homeland security and Secretary Napolitano, that the DOD with the support of the Air Force and the CIA are involved in conducting a series of ‘aerial disinformation’ campaigns, dropping flyers over the major cities and strongholds of Syria. The messages are stinging indictments to the Assad regime, including “Bashie is a weiner”, “it’s a-sad-sad day”, and for variety, one flyer just says “made you look!”

Further possibilities of holding the Syrian regime accountable for its actions that were discussed include: Stopping all mail delivery on Thursdays and Saturdays. Not putting out the good silverware and plates at the next Syrian state dinner. Having the NSA call and hang up on President Assad 10 or 15 times in a row. Sending the Delta force or Seal team Six in and let all the air out of the Presidents tires.

The President has stated that he will let the American people know exactly what and who he is going to do and when and where.

More to follow.

aug 30, 2013

From the Desk of Millard Bunson: SPECIAL

“From the deepest recesses of time and space somewhere just north of the end of the world and slightly above the floor of the  bottomless pit in farthest reaches of hell Millard has found Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and is preparing”

Abu: Millard, please. ‘slightly above the floor of the bottomless pit in the farthest reaches of hell’, I don’t know that’s the image I want to convey.

Millard: oh, so “coming to you from the penthouse suite of the Afnan Charming Hotel centrally located near the heart of downtown Damascus, being served tea and lemon on silver servings and sitting in air conditioned comfort with’

Abu: I can appreciate the imagery; maybe start with ‘on the plains of Trenzalore’?

Millard: A little obtuse for your audience, maybe in the vein of ‘somewhere from Demons Run’?

Abu: touche’.

Millard: To start, Abu Bakr, what IS the Bag-dadi thing? You must know that the audience you’re playing to is NOT the illiterate arab hoardes but the more decadent westernized. You are about two steps from being mocked on late night TV. and if your name was ‘big-booty’ instead of ‘bag-dadi’ no one would take you seriously no matter what your status in Al Qaeda.

Abu: And so did Pontius Pilate say “I have a wery gweat fwiend in Wome named Biggus Dickus”

Your point is taken Millard, which is why you are here by the way, but for a while my primary  audience is the illiterate arab hoarde. It is no secret that the US government is offering a 10 million dollar reward for me. And THAT my friend, is an award that is directed to the decadent westernized arab. My supporters, followers if you will, the ones who actually know who and where I am and could turn me in in a moment, could visualize the 10 million dollars the same way they could explain the distance from the earth to the sun: it’s an impossible distance. That which they would turn me in for, in a heart beat, are those things that only someone who understands the Arab mind would consider. And Millard, the secret to our success, is while we understand YOU, you do not understand US. It goes without saying that the higher the reward for my capture, in all reality, the safer I am.

Millard: Your relationship, or lack of, with Ayman Al-Zawahri?

Abu: Gee, every year he looks more and more like Father Christmas doesn’t he.

(Millard: chuckle,”Like a bowl full of jelly”)

Abu: There may be something to : live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse. Especially in his case. He is getting so far away from the roots of the struggle that his ‘leadership’ is beginning to be an embarrassment. He envisions the ‘corporate Al Qaeda’ the multinational brand, and after seeing what happened with Osama, he is starting to be concerned about his legacy. An Osama trapped in a cave is someone who can be dumped unsung out at sea from a boat; an Osama sitting behind a desk on the 90th floor would have been protected! Ayman does not want to be dumped out at sea.

Millard: What about Abu Bakr? What does he fear the most?

Abu: Truthfully?

Millard: yes

Abu: Free Wi-Fi and internet.

Millard: reporting from the deepest recess of time and space, slightly above the bottom of the darkest corner of the bottomless pit of hell. This is Millard Bunson reporting.

Abu: millard.

Millard: journalistic integrity abu, journalistic integrity.

aug 12,2013

Egypt on the Brink!

“It all started with the appointment of Anne Patterson” reports Egyptian specialist Mohammed Al-imentary, sitting professor of the Pharonic chair at Tuttles University in Washington D.C. “In Egyptian type Arabic, the “e” sound in existant unlike in English where the “e” sound is mostly silent. So that an ‘unlettered’ Egyptian would pronounce the name “anneeee Patterson” (with a LONG ‘e’ sound) and the introduction into American linguistic anomalies REALLY became an issue with the possibility of Robert Ford becoming Ambassador”.

“You must remember that while the majority of Egyptians do not understand English, English “catchphrases” have been integrated into the core of Egyptian vocabulary. So that when someone may hear on TV ‘have you driven a FORD lately’, they may take it to mean that the future ambassador is easily swayed. ” what can YOU a-FORD to pay” may be taken to mean to some that the ambassador is open to bribes and scandal. A reference to a mustang as a ‘FORD COUPE’ might be misunderstood as a referral to slang for a ‘coup d’etat’.”

In an exclusive ‘one on one’ with Presidential spokesperson Jaye Carnay, Millard Bunson asked:

“first Jay, is it true that you were made an ‘honorary Lady in Waiting’ to the Queen of England for talking Prince William and Kate out of naming their son ‘Barak’?”

Jay: Millard, please, US- Anglo relations are strong and will remain strong. My possible elevation will have to remain a matter of conjecture.

Millard: So those deliveries of Taffeta to the Carnay household…?

Jay: Ha,Ha, I do look good in taffeta. Next question.

Millard: The nomination of Robert Ford?

Jay: Secretary Kerry has singled out former Ambassador to Syria Ford as being the best representative for America in the area and will propose the Senate confirm him in that position.

Millard: Clearly Kerry considered calling Clinton?

Jay: Senate support seems certain.

Millard: Frequent Ford foibles forcing fresh findings feel foolish?

Jay: Canadian canards create quantum quibbles quickly quashed.

Millard: Possible Patterson posting?

Jay: Anne absolutely advancing assuming agreement.

Millard: thank

Jay: you

aug 10, 2013

How to wage Jihad: Al Qaida’s “yumping Yemeni”

Former secretary to Osama bin Ladin, Nasser “Hathaway” al-Wahishi, left behind his collection of notes surreptitiously titled “the well tempered bombadier”, a collection of notes on the solo terrorist featuring the ideal of ‘if it isn’t baroque, don’t fix it’.

Known in the early years as “wishy washy wahishi” because of his tendency to change his mind when under duress, it was no surprise to any of his contemporaries when he attached himself to that rising star known as Osama bin Ladin. While most great men of the time would have said “I am lost without my Boswell”, Osama thought it was to counterculture (for an Islamist) and decided instead to call Nasser “my Hathaway”. Not understanding until later in life who Jane Hathaway was, it was to late and the nickname has persisted to this day.

Items of note in “the well tempered bombadier” include not only the basics of bomb making (including the failed attempt of the ‘suicide yak’) but also how to win the hearts and minds of those you want to conquer. He expounds at length on the subject of diaper allocations: huggie vs pampers vs natural cloth, and the impact on the environment. An entire chapter on ‘environmentally friendly Jihad’ lends itself to the importance of the carbon footprint of Jihad and the economics of carbon offsets. In a critical self examination of the attempt to blow up a Detroit bound flight in 2009, the unassuming ‘Hathaway’ remarks “what kind of idiots were we to think that keeping anyone from getting to Detroit would be a bad thing”.

aug 10, 2013

Remember Molly Norris

? so offensive to be worthy of Jihad ?

Moh’d the Prophet takes his army of 10,000 and surrounds the Wahibist telling them they are not true muslims and they must submit to him or perish. The wahibist submit and join Moh’d army.

Moh’d then takes his army of 20,000 and surrounds the Sunni’s telling them they are not true muslims and they must submit to him or perish. The sunni’s are scared witless, submit and join Moh’d army.  Moh’d then takes his army of 30,000 and surrounds the Shiites, telling them they are not true muslims and they must submit to him or die.

The Shiite leader comes out on his camel with a piece of paper, saying “I am Iftar and this is from our God, and it says the Shiite’s are the true muslim! Attack if you will! Our Shiite God will protect us and you will be destoyed!”  Iftar then  gets off his camel, draws a line in the sand, and then goes back to his people. Moh’d becomes enraged, gathers up his army, all 30,000, shouting ALLAH AKBAR and all ride forward waving their swords to slaughter the Shiites.

The moment the horde crosses the line drawn in the sand a massive 25,000 ton pile of crap falls from the sky, engulfing and crushing the oncoming army and killing Moh’d.

As the dust and sand settle, the avenging army of Moh’d destroyed, a voice comes down from the heavens “Iftar, clean your glasses! It does NOT say “Shiite!””

aug 10, 2013