Inaugural minutes of the first meeting of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant:

Abu Bakr presiding:

Allah akbar, Allah akbar, Allah akbar…

Hello, thank you, thank you!

A big hand for the Allah Akbar Grandstanders and Glee Club! Come on, everybody,

Big hand.


a moment of silence please for our newest martyr, Mohhaned,

Huh, thank you.

I’ve just been handed a note saying there is currently an opening in the ‘boom’ section of the Allah Akbar Grandstanders and Glee Club! New members are encouraged to apply.

No experience necessary!


No Mohammed, they don’t need anyone in the fart section.

(general laughter)

As you all know we have finally established our Caliphate!

Allah Akbar!, Allah Akbar!, Allah Akbar!, Allah Akbar!, BOOOOM, BOOOOM, BOOOOM, PPPPPPPHHHHHHT!

YEAH!, 3 new openings in the BOOM section! Mohammed, please control yourself.

Now, as your new Emir

Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!

WOAH, somebody get those guys some balloons to pop! Give Mohammed one too!

(general laughter)

Guys, we need you for the cause!

Now, in honor of our glorious new state, I have here a note from, wait, wait for it…

Osama- bin- Ladin.

Written and then smuggled out right as he was being kidnapped and tortured by

Death to the great Satan, Death to the Great Satan, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Death to the Great Satan!

YES, even when he was facing martyrdom, Osama’s last thoughts were on you, me, the CAUSE!

And here, are his last words, from the Koran (unabridged version) the little known Surah 115, Al-bundy:

The translation:

Osamas last words, words of encouragement, to all of us.

I’m opening the envelope now:

‘overture, curtain, lights

This is it, the night of nights.

No more rehearsing and nursing a part

We know every part by heart.

Overture, curtain, lights

This is it, you’ll hit the heights

And oh what heights we’ll hit

On with the show this is it!”

Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar!


That really cuts to the chase!


Mohammed, you need to see a doctor or something!

Let’s see, it’s almost time for a prayer.

Everybody take 20, Mohammed, take 25.

The Grandstanders will Glee us out on our break, and then they can recharge (figuratively speaking guys!).


Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar


(on loan from the ISofIand theL)