25 “dangerous” terrorists were freed by Taliban sympathizers from a prison in Dera Ismail Pakistani, as part of a well planned and timed operation that appeared to be a perfect copy of the recent “pink panther” prison breakout from a Swiss prison just recently. Shahidullah Shahid, Taliban spokesman for the Dera Ismaili Pakistani region of the “long lost and dangerous tribal region of the Talibani” acknowledged that the initial idea for the prison break was the successful operation at the Orbe  complex in Switzerland. “I must say we tried to plan the whole thing out, but it really just ended up with a ‘lets meet at 11’ twitter feed, it was ‘byob’ (bring your own bomb) and we just had fun with it” “I would also like to take a moment and point out for special mention the ‘dera ismaili Pakistani Allah Ahkbar grandstanders and glee club’. They always show up for every occasion and never disappoint!”

In addition to the 25 “dangerous” terrorist, approximately 230 other prisoners were also released. Most of the other prisoners, according to sources speaking on condition of anonymity, were low level parking offenders (while there are few cars in the ‘long lost and dangerous tribal regions’, it appears that there is an unwritten law about not leaving your donkey, ox or camel in the same place for over 6 hours, and a hadith of uncertain origins on ‘if you make it you take it’ ).

credit: sources

july 30, 2013

Sources:

Syrian President Bashar “knuckles” Assad said rebels had used chemical weapons against their own holdings in a show of disdain for their own cause. As proof of the rebels malfeasance, Assad produced a grainy video featuring a person he identified as “Rebel Captian Zero” (who looked suspiciously liked ‘Wimpy’ from the Popeye cartoon) speaking to a skinny dark haired female stating “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a chemical weapon today”, sounding surprisingly like the President who was standing beside the projection screen with his hand in front of his mouth. The President then referred all questions to his Information Minister, Omran (call me OZ) al-Zoubi.

International condemnation for the chemical attack was surprisingly swift:

-Pop sensation Justin Time immediately set up and then cancelled a concert according to sources.

-New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg paused during a photo op with supermodel kleidi hum to remark “gee, you’d think there’d be a law against that stuff. We’re talkin about soda right?”

-German Prime Minister Angela Merkel was heard to say “what is it about white men and tiny little mustaches! kastrieren sie alle!”

-White house spokesman Jay Carney immediately condemned the act and refused to believe the rebel forces had anything to do with it, but he did open the door for the possibility that former President George W. Bush… ““This will be a matter of discussion and debate for a long time, I expect, in Washington as well as in classrooms and among historians”.

-Vice President Biden said that this wouldn’t “have happened if everyone just had a damn shotgun!”

-San Francisco supervisor “Chewi” Weaner commented “you’d think it was plastic bags or something. I don’t think any turtles were hurt. Whoa, there weren’t any turtles hurt were there?”

-EU Connie, call me The Commish, Headguard, stated emphatically that while the use of chemical weapons was deplorable “we should remember that the methane produced by the actions of 500 ruminants or the corresponding digestive actions of 2000 British civil servants after lunch has a much more devastating long term effect on the global envirenment. Still, we’ll check and see if this is covered under cap and trade.”

On background: President Assad is a Doctor of Medicine, specializing in Opthamology. Graduating at the top of his class after his entire graduating class unexpectedly dissappeared on the way to a pre-graduation celebration party being thrown at the palace by the the current Presidents late father, Hafez. Birthdate September 11, 1965, specialist estimate that based on the personal habits of his father, he was concieved after either “the andy griffith show, 3 wishes for Opie (dec 11, 1964)” or  the “dick van dyke show, the death of the party (dec 9,1964)”. Some think that the event occured during a commercial break during “gilligans island”. The late president Hafez was known to have a ‘thing’ for Mrs. Howell of all people, making his wife Anisa reportedly dress up like her and bringing him punch drinks in coconuts. At 6 feet 2 inches tall, President Assad considers himself a rather strong power forward and has consistently over the past 4 years sent challenges to the American President Obama for a “little one on one, winner takes the Golan”. It is rumored that last year, during a ‘mysterious absence’ from the White House, President Obama met President Assad at a neutral basketball court, but after the first “IN YOUR FACE SLAM GORILLA DUNKY!” from President Obama, President Assad pulled a ‘hammy’ and limped off the court.

march 19, 2013

Lockerbie Bomber dies at 60: The family and friends of the late Abdel Baset al-Megrahi wish to thank everyone whom participated in last nights wake and tribute to Abi “BOOM-BOOM” al-Megrahi, as he was affectionately known to family and friends. The evening kicked off with the traditional eulogizing of the deceased by friends and coworkers, largely attended and the first two rows of attendance (traditionally known as ‘the splash zone’) populated by dozens of excited children waiting for that special moment when the speaker would spontaneously blow himself up with a shout of “ALLAH AKBAR!”. “It seemed like it took forever for the first blow up, and the kids thought they were going to be disappointed, but after the first one, yep, they just got on a roll. It was pretty messy, but you know what. It was a good kind of mess.” said family member Baber “three finger” ibn al-Megrahi. Cousin Haji then did a cover of that 1969 classic “It don’t martyr to me” to the delight of everyone in the audience. After a few rounds of frenetic “Allah Akbar”ing, the children were rounded up and sent to bed. (Quite a few “Mommy, can’t we stay and watch just one more blow up? Pleaeeeeeeeeease?” were heard to the amusement of everyone, but the parents were strict and the little ones were sent to another room for milk and dates and then bed.) Next came the thundering and thoughtful sermon from the Grand Mufti himself, Abdul-aZeez ibn Abuubah Aal ash ibn Al-Saud Al Shaikh. Of great concern to everyone attending was the possibility of Abdel failing as a Martyr and himself not receiving the reward attributed to Martyrs in the Hadith. (Cousin Bawb, the know it all, had been telling everyone that “according to Abu Bakr Al-Arabee from Abu Ya’laa, if you fail to achieve true Martyrdom, you’ll still get the 72 virgins, but they won’t be very pretty and kind of fat”). The Mufti addressed that “GHARIB! GHARIB!” at which point in a very loud whisper Uncle Basir slapped cousin Bawb upside the head saying “dufus!” A lot of “Allah Akbar”ing followed, 2 beautiful blow ups in the parking lot on the way out, and the service was over. Posted on Facebook (please ‘friend’ me) Majaah Tirmidhi

may 23, 2012

After being placed on the JSOC kill list, months later was placed on the (qt) CIA kill list to no avail.

The President has now placed the former Los Cruces crossing guard on the newly created “BP” kill list. “You can say up to now, we’ve been trying to get this guy plugged with a junk shot, but the ‘guys from BP’ are even now in the process of targeting him with two different drills, and in no time will be going for the permanent fix and fill him with cement.” The President, said to be ‘sick and tired of this weiner doggin’ on the flag’ decided it was time to ‘go Chicago on his ***’

Asked if filling him with cement was a metaphor, Rahm Emmanuel, possible next Mayor of the great city, responded “What do you think? Molly Norris, am American God dammit, has to go into hiding in her own country because of two bit ******* punks like this, it’s time WE take the tampon out and grow a pair.”

sept 15, 2010

So offensive as to be worthy of Jihad ?

Mohammed walks into a bar with a duck on top of his head.

The bartender takes a look at him and tells him to get the heck out.

Mohammed leaves and comes back half an hour later with a penguin on top of his head.

The bartender looks at him again and tells him loudly to get the heck out of his bar.

Mohammed leaves and comes back in an hour wearing a fedora.

The bartender lets him sit at the bar and serves him a beer.

The other patrons look at the bartender and ask him what changed?

The bartender says “like all good businessmen all I’m looking for is a reasonable prophet”.

may 20, 2010

Mill Baher

Department Spokesman

Daily Press Briefing

Washington DC

May 26, 2009

Transcript

12:12 p.m. EDT

Question: where’s Ian today.

Bill: I’m guest hosting for Ian Kelly today, I guess I should start with “oops, I said good afternoon instead of good morning (laughter)”

Question: so “mill baher” (snicker, snicker) are you going to brief us on Korea today?

Bill: Mm-Hmmmmm (laughter), yep, first thing we have to report is changing of the name of international talks concerning the Korean issue. Everyone knows that the “six party” talks haven’t gone anywhere. As of today, they are officially going to be known as the “six-pack” talks. We tried to solve the problems with some sober thinking and dialogue, and where has it got us? ERRRRRRRP! Now we’ll try the other way.

Question: what will the ‘brew de jour’ be? an american domestic (chuckle)?

Bill: in keeping with the international flavor and arms control motif it will probably be a german pilsner (guffaw).

Question: considering the recent failure of the President in his attempt to close Gitmo, what do you think the administrations plans are for success in this arena?

Bill: solid question Stewi: if the President has learned anything recently, it’s that the Congress, and the american people will not support anything that is not detailed out in a plan. A plan with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Unlike his little ‘faux pas’ in his attempt to ‘close Gitmo'(air quotes), if the President decided that we need to ‘close North Korea'(air quotes)(snicker, snicker) he would certainly have all the pieces in place before taking the Koreans into bankruptcy.

Question: is it possible that..

Bill: you’re reading my mind, don’t blush (laughter). Everyone knows how tough it is to get out of North Korea, so yes, it is possible that the guantanamo prisoners could be moved to Korea after the North Koreans…

Question: but who would take the North Koreans?

Bill: the President has already been in contact with several leaders. The French have said they could take at least 20 or 30 of the pretty ones. Several of the Scandinavian and Dutch countries have offered positions, many positions, for ‘a bunch’, and we here in america can handle the rest. Not in MY neighborhood of course (generous laughter).

Thanks everybody, you were a great audience.

(the briefing was concluded at 12:13 p.m.)

may 26, 2009

“Double super secret!

Draft:

Current discussions between the President and the Congressional leadership on America’s response to the recent nuclear test and short range missile test of the Republic of Korea. The President, Mr. Reid and Madame Pelosi, in realizing that “we have met the enemy and he is us”, after frumious episodes of negotiations with

Kim Jong-il leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, and many hours of fawning and handholding with our European allies, have decided that there is only one truly novel solution that is enigmatic enough to interest the wiley Koreans and satisfy the democratic base’s concern of America’s complicity in its own downfall:

The President of the United States, with endorsement of both Leaders of the House and Senate, along with the International community, will place in nomination the name of Kim Jong-il for the position of Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

Rahm-“without a doubt Kim fulfulls the Presidents requirement for someone with ‘practical world experience’, and at the same time the best way to get a foreign leader to understand the American way of life is to get him a real time civics lesson.”

Harry-“we have a pretty good idea that Mr. Kim is to the left enough to satisfy our base, and is definitely to the right enough for the republicans, and is fascist enough for the independents. He does seem to be a true man of the people”

Speaker-“the important thing is that the rest of the world thinks this is the right thing to do”

In anticipation of the announcement, press secretary Robert Gibbs remarked ‘are we going to insist he give up his day job?’

more to come

may 25, 2009

The major players of the Chrysler bankruptcy: Chrysler-Fiat, Treasury, The Congress and the President have found synergy with the major players of the Guantanamo Bay Detention camp: the Joint Task Force, the Congress and the President.

In a hallway meeting, an epiphany of “them is us” has allowed for the creation (yet to be announced) of the new Chrysler-Fiat Guantanamo concept and testing plant.

Ron Gettelfinger announced “We’re going to take those 200 terrorist (designees) and show them what a real brotherhood is all about! Next to the UAW, Al Quaida doesn’t stand a chance!” When asked about how the UAW would hope to contend with the promise of 72 virgins, Gettelfinger responded “72 virgins after death? hrumph. Wait till they see one our local meetings while they’re alive!”

more to come

may 6, 2009

From the desk of: Alan Rosenberg

President, National Board of Directors

Screen Actors Guild

Strike call

Citizens:

Once again we are being pushed to the precipice of disaster

by the scabberous fools of the AMPTP, who seek nothing

more than to dance naked intoxicated drinking in the last

drops of those few ounces of sweat and blood that remain

as ours from the wellspring of our souls still to own.

We will soon be requesting from you, those loyal to the cause

and the footsoldiers on the frontlines and from whom we

gain both our strength and spiritual sustanance; to come

back and vote your resolution to stop those who attack the

basis of our liveliehood which will lead to the total

destruction of a way of life that we all hold dear.

We are now approaching the final battlefield of that great

war. Testing wether this union, or any union, so concieve

and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created

equal shall go forth or languish on this Earth.

As part of that vote, we are asking you, each of you, to

go out and explain to everyone, how important excellence

in acting and stagecraft is to the safety and daily life

of every single American. The statistics make it clear:

-after a hard day at work, you come home to watch a comedy

that does not exhibit the finely honed craft and deliverance

of a professional, UNION, SAG actor/actress. To put it

bluntly, IT FAILS TO AMUSE. This leads to an increase in

pent up frustration and a significant increase in domestic

violence and abuse. Children suffer from not being able to

talk about anything but “reality shows” the next day at

school and so school work suffers. Society descends into

a vortex of choleric sanguinity and civilization evaporates

like the mist in the morning.

-poorly lit or poorly crafted sets lead to people leaning

in farther to the television, increased eye strain and

resulting headaches. Insominic behavior affects work routine,

increased sick days, once again leading to the vortex of

melancholic sanguinity and civilization evaporating like the

mist in the morning.

-other professionals, like doctors and lawyers, have nowhere

to turn for stress relief. Alcohol and drugs become the norm

as the thrill of other illegal activities such as fraternizing

with protistutes grows stale, and once again, society

descends into the vortex of phlegmatic sanguinity and

civilization evaporates like the mist in the morning.

Please impress on all friends and loved ones the importance

of keeping only qualified, trained, professionals on the

“screen”. The places where society has not advanced to this

level yet, like China, the former Soviet Union, and repressive

regimes in the Middle East and former Yugoslavia; should be bell

weathers of what happens when, not organizations, but bastions

of freedom, liberty and democracy AS ARE WE are not allowed or

encouraged to grow and flourish.

For the sake of us all, please vote “strike” on the next ballot.

Alan

nov 22, 2008

CIA: Security concerns are keeping Usama bin Laden from being

as proactive as he has been in the past. A fiercly anticipated

video in light of the new US presidential elections and the

apparent swing in sentiment in the US has not yet come to light.

CIA Pakistan Bureau Chief “Binky” Shabut Binkleman

(email: [email protected]) reports that the two known Al Quada

video studios have been under surviellance.

“We know who and what we’re looking for. We have reports that

Usama is travelling in disguise and going by the name ‘Ursula’.

It’s not something our Al Quada informants like to talk about,

but apparently it’s getting more difficult to get Usama out of

the burka. He’s starting to cry out and cover whenever a man

enters his room. Maybe that’s why we haven’t seen any recent videos?”

CSIS: What could be tipping the “centrifuge to the boiling point” is

the apparent completion of the first batch of enriched iranium.

“Distilled from the very souls of the anguish of the oppression

of our peoples” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stated

that this little known element was now the centerpiece of his

nations hopes and ambitions.

Both American and Isreali intelligence assets are frantically

engaged in trying to find any information on this new element.

Comment from American intelligence assets consisted of

one “hrumph” and several “guffaws”.

nov 14, 2008