special from sources


Syrian President Bashar “knuckles” Assad said rebels had used chemical weapons against their own holdings in a show of disdain for their own cause. As proof of the rebels malfeasance, Assad produced a grainy video featuring a person he identified as “Rebel Captian Zero” (who looked suspiciously liked ‘Wimpy’ from the Popeye cartoon) speaking to a skinny dark haired female stating “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a chemical weapon today”, sounding surprisingly like the President who was standing beside the projection screen with his hand in front of his mouth. The President then referred all questions to his Information Minister, Omran (call me OZ) al-Zoubi.

International condemnation for the chemical attack was surprisingly swift:

-Pop sensation Justin Time immediately set up and then cancelled a concert according to sources.

-New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg paused during a photo op with supermodel kleidi hum to remark “gee, you’d think there’d be a law against that stuff. We’re talkin about soda right?”

-German Prime Minister Angela Merkel was heard to say “what is it about white men and tiny little mustaches! kastrieren sie alle!”

-White house spokesman Jay Carney immediately condemned the act and refused to believe the rebel forces had anything to do with it, but he did open the door for the possibility that former President George W. Bush… ““This will be a matter of discussion and debate for a long time, I expect, in Washington as well as in classrooms and among historians”.

-Vice President Biden said that this wouldn’t “have happened if everyone just had a damn shotgun!”

-San Francisco supervisor “Chewi” Weaner commented “you’d think it was plastic bags or something. I don’t think any turtles were hurt. Whoa, there weren’t any turtles hurt were there?”

-EU Connie, call me The Commish, Headguard, stated emphatically that while the use of chemical weapons was deplorable “we should remember that the methane produced by the actions of 500 ruminants or the corresponding digestive actions of 2000 British civil servants after lunch has a much more devastating long term effect on the global envirenment. Still, we’ll check and see if this is covered under cap and trade.”

On background: President Assad is a Doctor of Medicine, specializing in Opthamology. Graduating at the top of his class after his entire graduating class unexpectedly dissappeared on the way to a pre-graduation celebration party being thrown at the palace by the the current Presidents late father, Hafez. Birthdate September 11, 1965, specialist estimate that based on the personal habits of his father, he was concieved after either “the andy griffith show, 3 wishes for Opie (dec 11, 1964)” or  the “dick van dyke show, the death of the party (dec 9,1964)”. Some think that the event occured during a commercial break during “gilligans island”. The late president Hafez was known to have a ‘thing’ for Mrs. Howell of all people, making his wife Anisa reportedly dress up like her and bringing him punch drinks in coconuts. At 6 feet 2 inches tall, President Assad considers himself a rather strong power forward and has consistently over the past 4 years sent challenges to the American President Obama for a “little one on one, winner takes the Golan”. It is rumored that last year, during a ‘mysterious absence’ from the White House, President Obama met President Assad at a neutral basketball court, but after the first “IN YOUR FACE SLAM GORILLA DUNKY!” from President Obama, President Assad pulled a ‘hammy’ and limped off the court.

march 19, 2013