‘AT HOME WITH MULLAH ABDUL GHANI BARADAR’, a millard bunson exclusive. part ii

Millard: Belgium waffles, you ALWAYS pick Belgium waffles?

Abdul: Politically I can appreciate the fact that a country that may have driven Julius Caesar to distraction is remembered after millennia for the sweetbread that may or may not have anything to do with its namesake being offered as an incredibly unhealthy breakfast staple principally in a woke capitalist country that would change its name to ‘Cuban’ waffles in a heartbeat. AND, they are BELGIAN waffles, as you already know Millard.

Millard: You have changed. Maybe too much?

Millard: Watching the ‘fall of Kabul’ what do I see? I see young Taliban celebrating by taking ‘selfies’ to post to their own facebook pages. I see half your ‘army’ who when you talk about becoming ‘Martyrs for Allah’ think ‘no way am I going to go without internet for a month. a WEEK maybe’. It has already been written about, you know what I’m talking about: ‘…Religion doesn’t work anymore. First, it will be housewives complaining that their dishwashers aren’t working any more. Then, business complaining that their factories can’t produce as much… the war didn’t end with a huge final battle, it just ended one day. ‘

Abdul: Asimov, the Foundation. I know. How do we deal with changed reality.

Abdul: Earlier we could always rely on the fact that when we put the call out for Martyrs we would have to turn some away because EVERYONE wanted to be proud to die in the Jihad. Now? We get ‘what you mean Willis?’ as a smartass answer from young kids grown up with to much Western influence and technology. They LIKE the idea of a Islamic Caliphate based on Sharia, but when they see a mullah calling out THEIR mother, sister or wife, possibly striking them in the process, the reality is going to cause a big change in THEM real fast.

Abdul: Then, we have what I like to call the ‘2 Headed Beast’. I would call them barbarians but they ARE what I WAS when I was much younger. They both hear an inherent call to violent Jihad, but their only difference is whether the should subjugate and purify OUR country first before they go out and claim the rest of the world for Allah. Who’s children should we kill in Allah’s name first? Our own or the infidels?

‘At home with Mullah Abdul Ghani baradar’, a Millard bunson exclusive.

We enter with the interview in progress…:

Millard: Go ahead, Abdul, do it.

Abdul: Millard, I know what you’re going to do, please don’t my friend.

Millard: Abdul… You know you want tooo. All you have to do is push-that-one-little-button?

Abdul: Allah forgive me. PUSH!

Millard’s phone rings ” HEY MR. TALIBAN TALLY ME BANNANA’S, DAYLIGHT COME AND I WANT TO GO HOME!”

Abdul: HA, DAY-O, DAYYYYYYY-O, DAYLIGHT COME AND IT WANNA GO HOME!!!

Millard: I knew you’d like it.

Abdul: Intoxicating Millard, Intoxicating.

Millard: So. You’re back in country, all you avenues of communication have been taken off line, and here I am? The interview of a lifetime

Abdul: You may live to see another one, take it one question at a time my friend.

Millard: ‘Baradar the Butcher’? That’s what they USED to call you. Recruiting poor illiterates with no chance in life from hovels and dirt poor villages? That’s what you USED to do. Young, Angry and full of Angst? That’s what you USED to be. What do we have now:

-to cut off communications you stopped an internet/facebook/instagram feed.

-your YOUNG recruits, like ALL kids, spend more time texting and on their phones than studying the Quoran.

-YOU have grown, and know that climate change, a developing economy NOT based on illegal drugs, and pernicious pandemic viruses are more of a challenge that will NOT be touched or solved by making your country full of illiterate barbarians again.

-and having neighbors like China and Russia, who have learned the lesson of others and history will NOT try to invade, but they can and will make sure that any number of accidents keep you firmly entrenched in the Middle Ages.

Abdul: How you have lived this long can only be a sign of Allah’s beneficence my friend. Of course, we may still end the day with a thrilling game of ‘Bunson Buzkashi’?

Millard: The point being Abdul, that if it was a video game most of the kids in your Taliban would know how to play, but the old ways are slipping through your fingers. They know more of Marvel and DC heroes than they do of their own culture. In all honesty, if the West wanted to destroy your country all they would have to do is deliver free internet and porn on demand. One generation, that’s all it would take. I think you know that too. To the question Abdul.

‘What are you going to do’

Abdul: look, breakfast is here.

to be continued.

Another Prophet Mohamed joke (pbuh)

After a long day of Jihad, the Prophet walks into “Joes”, sits down at the bar, and yells at Joe to bring him the usual. Joe isn’t actually there, but his nephew Burt is. Burt leans over to one of the regulars to ask him what the Prophets ‘usual’ is. Burt looks a little perplexed, but shrugs ‘okay’, gets a large mug, fills it full of beer, sets it in front of Mohamed, takes out a knife and decapitates the Prophet in one smooth stroke. He picks up the stunned bouncing face from the floor and puts it on the beer. Joe walks in at that minute and looking at the mess and his nephew shakes his head asking Burt what happened. Burt turns to his uncle and says “he asked for his usual, and they said his usual was a large beer but to make sure it had a good head on it.’