“From the deepest recesses of time and space somewhere just north of the end of the world and slightly above the floor of the  bottomless pit in farthest reaches of hell Millard has found Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and is preparing”

Abu: Millard, please. ‘slightly above the floor of the bottomless pit in the farthest reaches of hell’, I don’t know that’s the image I want to convey.

Millard: oh, so “coming to you from the penthouse suite of the Afnan Charming Hotel centrally located near the heart of downtown Damascus, being served tea and lemon on silver servings and sitting in air conditioned comfort with’

Abu: I can appreciate the imagery; maybe start with ‘on the plains of Trenzalore’?

Millard: A little obtuse for your audience, maybe in the vein of ‘somewhere from Demons Run’?

Abu: touche’.

Millard: To start, Abu Bakr, what IS the Bag-dadi thing? You must know that the audience you’re playing to is NOT the illiterate arab hoardes but the more decadent westernized. You are about two steps from being mocked on late night TV. and if your name was ‘big-booty’ instead of ‘bag-dadi’ no one would take you seriously no matter what your status in Al Qaeda.

Abu: And so did Pontius Pilate say “I have a wery gweat fwiend in Wome named Biggus Dickus”

Your point is taken Millard, which is why you are here by the way, but for a while my primary  audience is the illiterate arab hoarde. It is no secret that the US government is offering a 10 million dollar reward for me. And THAT my friend, is an award that is directed to the decadent westernized arab. My supporters, followers if you will, the ones who actually know who and where I am and could turn me in in a moment, could visualize the 10 million dollars the same way they could explain the distance from the earth to the sun: it’s an impossible distance. That which they would turn me in for, in a heart beat, are those things that only someone who understands the Arab mind would consider. And Millard, the secret to our success, is while we understand YOU, you do not understand US. It goes without saying that the higher the reward for my capture, in all reality, the safer I am.

Millard: Your relationship, or lack of, with Ayman Al-Zawahri?

Abu: Gee, every year he looks more and more like Father Christmas doesn’t he.

(Millard: chuckle,”Like a bowl full of jelly”)

Abu: There may be something to : live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse. Especially in his case. He is getting so far away from the roots of the struggle that his ‘leadership’ is beginning to be an embarrassment. He envisions the ‘corporate Al Qaeda’ the multinational brand, and after seeing what happened with Osama, he is starting to be concerned about his legacy. An Osama trapped in a cave is someone who can be dumped unsung out at sea from a boat; an Osama sitting behind a desk on the 90th floor would have been protected! Ayman does not want to be dumped out at sea.

Millard: What about Abu Bakr? What does he fear the most?

Abu: Truthfully?

Millard: yes

Abu: Free Wi-Fi and internet.

Millard: reporting from the deepest recess of time and space, slightly above the bottom of the darkest corner of the bottomless pit of hell. This is Millard Bunson reporting.

Abu: millard.

Millard: journalistic integrity abu, journalistic integrity.

aug 12,2013