We enter with the interview in progress…:

Millard: Go ahead, Abdul, do it.

Abdul: Millard, I know what you’re going to do, please don’t my friend.

Millard: Abdul… You know you want tooo. All you have to do is push-that-one-little-button?

Abdul: Allah forgive me. PUSH!

Millard’s phone rings ” HEY MR. TALIBAN TALLY ME BANNANA’S, DAYLIGHT COME AND I WANT TO GO HOME!”

Abdul: HA, DAY-O, DAYYYYYYY-O, DAYLIGHT COME AND IT WANNA GO HOME!!!

Millard: I knew you’d like it.

Abdul: Intoxicating Millard, Intoxicating.

Millard: So. You’re back in country, all you avenues of communication have been taken off line, and here I am? The interview of a lifetime

Abdul: You may live to see another one, take it one question at a time my friend.

Millard: ‘Baradar the Butcher’? That’s what they USED to call you. Recruiting poor illiterates with no chance in life from hovels and dirt poor villages? That’s what you USED to do. Young, Angry and full of Angst? That’s what you USED to be. What do we have now:

-to cut off communications you stopped an internet/facebook/instagram feed.

-your YOUNG recruits, like ALL kids, spend more time texting and on their phones than studying the Quoran.

-YOU have grown, and know that climate change, a developing economy NOT based on illegal drugs, and pernicious pandemic viruses are more of a challenge that will NOT be touched or solved by making your country full of illiterate barbarians again.

-and having neighbors like China and Russia, who have learned the lesson of others and history will NOT try to invade, but they can and will make sure that any number of accidents keep you firmly entrenched in the Middle Ages.

Abdul: How you have lived this long can only be a sign of Allah’s beneficence my friend. Of course, we may still end the day with a thrilling game of ‘Bunson Buzkashi’?

Millard: The point being Abdul, that if it was a video game most of the kids in your Taliban would know how to play, but the old ways are slipping through your fingers. They know more of Marvel and DC heroes than they do of their own culture. In all honesty, if the West wanted to destroy your country all they would have to do is deliver free internet and porn on demand. One generation, that’s all it would take. I think you know that too. To the question Abdul.

‘What are you going to do’

Abdul: look, breakfast is here.

to be continued.

(we meet in progress)
Millard: and entering your study, we see that you have one of the worlds’ preeminent collections of MC Coolidge’s work, on velvet no less, of “dogs praying to Mecca around a poker table”.
Abu: yes Millard, and I am very proud of it. Totaling 9 in all, it also includes the 5 piece ‘dogs doing the Haj’ as celebrated in the old Wahibist tradition.
Millard: ah yes, the beagle trotting around the Kaaba looks almost lifelike! and Coolidge’s small joke with the boxer appearing to sniff the Dobermans butt during ‘ruku’, truly a classic.
Abu: Yes, who says we Muslims can’t have fun. The Prophet, as he was in all things, had the greatest sense of humor of them all. Several instances are reported in the Hadith, and Sura 115 Al-Bundy:
The Prophet and the Companions were sitting around the campfire and the Prophet was relating inspiring stories to stir the hearts of men. Unfortunately, as was his wont, Sayyidina ‘Umar al-Faruq was not paying attention, but kept on getting up to fill his plate with more pieces of barbecued camel. Well, after a while the Prophet grew tired of the interruptions and (it is reported that the Prophet had a mischievous twinkle in his eye) every time ‘Umar got up, started throwing his voice (the Prophet as in all things was an excellent ventriloquist) and as only the Prophet could, making mellifluous sounding fart noises of various degrees, lengths and intensities. ‘Umar was more than a little deaf, as his greatest friend (after the Prophet who as in all things was the best friend a person could have) was Sayyidina ‘AbdurRahman ibn ‘Awf (it was written that Sayyidina ‘Awf could ‘Allah Akbar’ to make the mountains shake and the lions quake). All that ‘Allah Akbar’ing had left ‘Umar deaf in his right ear. The story; the Prophet was making fart noises whenever ‘Umar rose and sat back down again, soon he had all the Companions in tears they were laughing so hard. ‘Umar finally realized the fun that was being had at his expense, and the Prophet, to help cover ‘Umar’s embarrassment, delivered that famous Hadith “that everyone who is eating camel meat should perform a new ablution.” Of course everyone had eaten camel meat that night, and so all the Companions got up (including the Prophet, to show there was no hard feelings) and slapping ‘Umar on the back with friendly banter, went off to wash. Needless to say, ‘Umar did not interrupt the Prophet again!

Millard: and is that why

Abu: yes Millard, that is the reason why on every devout Muslims smart phone, you will indeed find a 99 cent app for making fart noises,

Millard: well now isn’t that

Abu: “PPPPPHHHHHHHHHHT!” please don’t interrupt Millard.

Millard: ha ha ha.

(to be continued)

A message to the faithful from Abu Bakr

(Now? is that thing on? Which one? The red light, do I look at the red light? HMMMMN,  Okay)

“message to the faithful Abu Bakr, take one. GO!”

To the umma (pppppphhhht!)

CUT

Abu baby, come on!

That was NOT me.

Okay, again “message to the faithful Abu Bakr, take two. GO!”

Huh? Could somebody turn a fan on?

CUT

Somebody get a fan on set!

…

Let’s try it again, “message to the Yada, Yada, Yada. Take 36. Go”

To the umma,…

And so, many of you are asking “how do I go to Jihad”.

(In line commentary from the Director and Producer: Historically we know that the Prophet Mohammed went to Jihad on a pretty regular schedule. While he had up to 11 wives total, historically it is known that only 2 of them were really “hot” [peace be upon them], and the rest were a mixture of political matches and at least one pity marriage. The Prophet [peace be upon him] did suck it up and rotated his nights among all his wives, but he did start getting revelations from Allah at certain times telling him to go and Jihad. Several of his wives did start complaining, but when you’re told “Argue with Allah, go ahead, I can wait” there’s not a lot you can do. Let’s get back to Abu)

We put up a little u-tube vid showing how NOT to go to Jihad:

-a young man is sitting on the couch, playing video games and drinking a soda. You hear laser shots being fired as the young man shouts “gotcha!”

He puts the video game on pause and yells out” MOM, can I go and Jihad!!!?”

NO, it’s almost supper!

“MOM, all the other kids are going on Jihad!!!”

So if Harvey Epstien jumped off the bridge you would want to jump off the bridge too?

“MOM, but it’s one of the five pillars!”

You can practice your pillars by taking your video game down to the mosque and donating it for zakath?

“MOM that’s not fair.”

And who am I?

Video game gets taken off pause, the sound of laser fire and explosions in the background.

The video game goes on pause again.

“MOM, can I get some new shoes”

Fade to black.

Fade to open:

-a young man it sitting in a mud built hut …

(continue In line commentary from the Director and Producer: as we see the correct way to ask about Jihad, the problem does become “what do I wear”, “what do I bring”, “is there going to be wi-fi”, “are there going to be girls”, okay, let’s get back to Abu now).

Abu- And so we see that following in his footsteps is the correct way to begin your Jihadi path.

So, come on down. We’ll see you here!

Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar…

CUT!

PRINT!

(from July 2014, on loan from ISofIandtheL)

Abu Bakr presiding:

Allah akbar, Allah akbar, Allah akbar…

Hello, thank you, thank you!

A big hand for the Allah Akbar Grandstanders and Glee Club! Come on, everybody,

Big hand.

CLAP,CLAP,CLAP, BOOOM!

a moment of silence please for our newest martyr, Mohhaned,

Huh, thank you.

I’ve just been handed a note saying there is currently an opening in the ‘boom’ section of the Allah Akbar Grandstanders and Glee Club! New members are encouraged to apply.

No experience necessary!

CLAP,CLAP,CLAP, PPPPPPHHHHHT!

No Mohammed, they don’t need anyone in the fart section.

(general laughter)

As you all know we have finally established our Caliphate!

Allah Akbar!, Allah Akbar!, Allah Akbar!, Allah Akbar!, BOOOOM, BOOOOM, BOOOOM, PPPPPPPHHHHHHT!

YEAH!, 3 new openings in the BOOM section! Mohammed, please control yourself.

Now, as your new Emir

Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!

WOAH, somebody get those guys some balloons to pop! Give Mohammed one too!

(general laughter)

Guys, we need you for the cause!

Now, in honor of our glorious new state, I have here a note from, wait, wait for it…

Osama- bin- Ladin.

Written and then smuggled out right as he was being kidnapped and tortured by

Death to the great Satan, Death to the Great Satan, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Death to the Great Satan!

YES, even when he was facing martyrdom, Osama’s last thoughts were on you, me, the CAUSE!

And here, are his last words, from the Koran (unabridged version) the little known Surah 115, Al-bundy:

The translation:

Osamas last words, words of encouragement, to all of us.

I’m opening the envelope now:

‘overture, curtain, lights

This is it, the night of nights.

No more rehearsing and nursing a part

We know every part by heart.

Overture, curtain, lights

This is it, you’ll hit the heights

And oh what heights we’ll hit

On with the show this is it!”

Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar!

WoW!

That really cuts to the chase!

PPPPPPPPHHHHHT

Mohammed, you need to see a doctor or something!

Let’s see, it’s almost time for a prayer.

Everybody take 20, Mohammed, take 25.

The Grandstanders will Glee us out on our break, and then they can recharge (figuratively speaking guys!).

Guys?

Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar…

 

(on loan from the ISofIand theL)