(secretly recorded answers from the secret select committee hearing featuring John Mcain as Senator John Mcain and Ash Carter doing his impersonation of the Secretary of Defense. For national security reasons, all questions have been redacted and only answers have been cleared to be shown)

JM- redacted opening question.
AC-Well Senator, it all depends what your definition of IS, IS.
JM- redacted question.
AC-No, not ISIS, is,is.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Is ILL? No I’m feeling fine thank you
JM- redacted question.
AC-ISIL? Ohhh, I-S-I-L. , yes Senator, we do have a plan for fighting ISIL.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes, the ‘feminization’ of out fighting forces IS a part of our fight against ISIL. Strictly observant muslim will not interact with females. Our meticulously convoluted thought process is that if we blanket the front lines with women, as soon as the ISIL fighters see them, they will immediately leave the field of battle thinking that they have inadvertently gone into the ‘women’s sector’. To make it even more unpleasant for the ISIL fighters, we will announce over the battlefield that all our female soldiers are on their periods and they are all actively menstruating.
JM- redacted question.
AC-We are attempting to contain ISIL, right now we are anticipating complete engulfment within the confines of Texas in 6 to 12 months.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Look at our track record Sir, how can you NOT think our ‘ploy’ of accepting tens of thousands of ‘syrian’ refugees directly into Texas would work.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator, I know they look like children, and we prefer to call them “little people” and not ‘midgets’.
JM- redacted question.
AC-‘Dwarves’ is also not acceptable.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator.
JM- redacted question.
AC- a body and face covering hijab might allow a physically born male person to sneak past our customs people, but it is better to allow 100 terrorists in than offend the sensibilities of one devout female Muslim.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator, the administration is going to put out a directive to immigration to the effect that transgender persons should be allowed in under the ‘I’m persecuted and generally I don’t think I’m treated very well and you have to let me in’ exemption clause of the Immigration Act.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator, and that would cover (sic) Men attempting to enter the country dressed in full hijab and pretending to be women anyway, so why bother checking?
JM- redacted question.
AC-Senator, Please remember what makes this country great is our ability to care more about the feelings of one immigrant than the potential safety of tens of thousands of our own citizens!

The Senate select hearing committee meeting was given an emergency recess so that the Secretary of Defense could go to a ‘safe circle’ for a few moments.