Jen Psaki
Spokesperson
June 30, 2014
State Department
Daily Presser
(transcript abridged)

Jen- Hi, happy Monday.
Room-“good morning Miss Psaki”
Jen- well, good morning class!
(general laughter)

Some lite housekeeping first, Secretary Kerry will be going to Panama for
(interruption) will he be buying a hat?
Jen-what? Oh, Millard, I’m sorry what?
-will the Secretary be buying a hat- a Panama hat, for his head?
Jen- I’m sure the Secretary will be finding many ways to help support the local economy; I understand he is an avid philatelist.
Room- (gasp)
Jen- he collects stamps people.
Room- (oooh,sorry,oops)
-but Jen, is he going to buy a new hat, to put on his head?
Jen- Millard, what is so important about- oh my, did you get a haircut Millard?
-why yes Jen, I’m surprised you noticed.
Room-(wow, looks nice, styllin’ Millard)
Jen- Lookin’ good MB.

Matt- I got a haircut too.
Jen- and you look adorable too, for the record.
Matt-shucks.
…

Question: the Islamic state of Iraq and levant, the ISIL, now referred to as just the Islamic State, the IS, is it true that internal state documents are just referring to it as ‘the state of confusion’
Room: (chuckle)
Jen: it is true that beyond security and tending to the general welfare one of the primary responsibilities of any state is creating acceptable acronyms and drawing really cool flags. Neither of which that belligerent Islamic tribe creating havoc has done.
Room: (shout out) did you just call the ‘Islamic State’ a Belligerent Islamic Tribe Creating Havoc?
Jen: yes, they are a BITCH.
Room: (guffaws)
…
Question: once again 2 Americans have been arrested and are being threatened with
conviction then trial in North Korea after insulting their leader, Kim Jong-un.
Jen: the official version is that a Christian bible was found in their hotel room
Room: the Gideons perhaps?
Room: (chuckle)
Jen: not likely, and everyone knows how they feel about proselytizing.
Room: and the unofficial version?
Jen: I haven’t really heard that
Room: When Kim Jong asks you if you want to share a little 12 year old, pretend he’s talking about Scotch.
Jen: oh
…
Jen: all right, thanks everyone
Room: “thank you Miss Psaki”
(chuckle)

A special meeting of a group that doesn’t really exist to take care of problems that never should have occurred: CODE NAME- NATHAN
Okay guys, we need options and we them yesterday!
John, I think you forgot a word?
What?
I said “John, I think you forgot a word?”
Gee, NO NAMES ‘alberto juarez’, cover names only.
Right. Excuse me ‘swifty morgan’ but I think you meant to say ‘we NEED them yesterday’
Yes yes yes. Are you happy now?
No, Happy Now is 2 chairs down from me
(chuckle chuckle chuckle)
Serious please!
Sirius Please is across the table.
(hah hah hah)
Jesus Christ
That’s a bit of a paradox, he’s not here but he’s always here.
STOP.
Starting over.
Now.
We need options to give the President on the situation in Iraq.
We really bit the big one on that.
Options please?
Okay, we need to think outside our comfort zone.
We need to think in a whole new way.
We need to think like, sorry guys, Republicans.
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
He’s right though.
What are some Republican ideas: group think, come on!
Chuck Norris, we’ll send Chuck Norris over there and he can kick their commie assess back to
the stone age.
I don’t think they’re ‘commie’, and we couldn’t sanction any ‘ass kicking’ especially if it was during prayer time when they were all on their knees. That would be ethnically insensitive, and we wouldn’t want to be insensitive, especially with the world watching. If they were Christians it would be a different story.
Oh yeah.
Yep
100%
No Chuck Norris,
No Chuck Norris, sorry.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck?
That would be genocide.
Something less Republican maybe?
Wait, wait, how about this:
A 3 pronged approach,
1-remember when the 9th circuit upheld California’s Air Resources Board ruling on Carbon emissions?
Yeah, so?
Essentially the Federal Judicial System said California could take a proactive stance on climate change and global warming on it’s own, right?
Okay, we follow you.
Step one, California extends this thinking to its logical conclusion and DECLARES WAR on the caliphate of the Levant to stop it’s enlarging carbon footprint, plan to pump and deliver MORE oil from the areas it now controls, and worst of all: it’s rumored that the members of the Islamic Levant do NOT extend full recognition and support to their transgender or questioning brethren or sisters.
Intolerable!
Jerry Brown WILL be upset when he hears this, wow. The national guard will be on its way in a week.
Step two: we surreptitiously (or syruptitiously for those who like puns) let slip on New York Media, maybe we can go on the VIEW, that not only do the rebels encourage the use of transfats in their diet, but they also promote the use of plastic bags to carry home their large plastic containers of Soda in.
And they DON’T even require a container deposit! I think we can get both the Bloombergers and the de Blasio-ites on board to join the California expedition on those grounds!
Step three, and this is the devious part that ‘kills two birds (not real birds guys) with one stone: I think we can canoodle Larry and Sergey into pulling a little one-two with googling maps: After we get California and New York to declare was on the Islamic Levant, the Levant and probably most of Al-Quaida will want to respond with attacks. Being in Iraq, they’ll have heard of Cali and New York but they-won’t-know-where-they-are! They’re a bunch of camel jockeys!
We get larry and serg to CHANGE THE NAMES OF CALIFORNIA AND NORTH KOREA!. When they google where to go, they’ll up attacking North Korea instead of California, we’ll have complete deniability, North Korea can take out the area there and we don’t have a problem anymore. In fact, with less oil available (after the NK’s nuke ‘em) people will HAVE to invest in cleaner energy sources, so we are really HELPING stop climate change and global warming too!
What you think?
John?
‘Alberto Juarez’, you are a genius. This is State’s new position, let’s go tell Barak.