For Immediate release: Microscopic black holes in the L.H.C. initials.

Professor Emiratus Charvus ‘de Ebullance

Sitting Eisner chair Columbia Particle Physics

Large Hadron Collider “looky-loo” group at Fermi


It is the opinion of the Fermi LLG that the probability that the LHC will produce a world ending cataclysmic event are well within the ‘but this is really exiciting stuff’ range of error that we Physicists use when deciding whether or not to go ahead with these things.


sept 10,2008

From: The Department of State

To: Webmaster, DOS homepage.

Dear Franklin:

just a few typo’s and mis’cues this time:

item one: “US signs MISSILE defense”, just had to explain to the Russians that we actually had said “we’re going to sign a misc’ll defense package”, MISCELLANIOUS. hah hah hah. Please correct.

item two: “NATO support for Georgia”, had to explain to the Russkies again the typo ” NADA support for Georgia”, nyet, zip, nonga.

item three: “Pakistan President Resigns”, got us into a lot of trouble. Should have been

“Pakistan President RE-SIGNS” the “-” got dropped! What should have been a short interest piece on Mushhi buying more grain turns into, well you know what! Correction please.

Connie looks great with those new picts.



aug 21, 2008

Al Qaida classifieds

Job Posting:

Al Qaida #645-3122a

We are looking for 100 men to go to the United States and pursuit advanced degrees in LAW.

Following the US Supreme Court decision Boumediene v Bush and the likelihood of political changes occurring in the US political establishment, the Supreme Council considers it likely that in 5 to 7 years time “enemy combatants” will be able to both argue against their detainment and assert legal rights immediately upon being captured on the battlefield. We are looking for people who after studying the US system of jurisprudence will accompany their brothers while fighting the Americans and represent their brothers immediately if they are captured in combat.

Required: fluency in written and spoken English.

High school, secondary/college education, degree preferred.

Acceptable scores on the LSAT (tutoring available)

Open to all members and affiliates in good standing.

july 21, 2008

From Ismael Haniyeh, short notes of our last meeting.

1- flex scheduling will no longer be an option for our suicide bombers. Besides everyone choosing Tuesday for some reason, some people were signing up for three different days.

And PLEASE, calling in sick, even with a note from your doctor is NOT AN EXCUSE for missing your appointment. Also, we keep on getting questions about vacation time accrual; if you want to think your getting vacation time, by all means then you are. The same answer for the “401K” questions.

2- Apparently a study was done that shows the carbon footprint from suicide bombers has reached the same level of climate effect as all the methane presently being discharged by all the sheep in Australia and New Zealand. This has lead to very strained relations to some of our biggest sympathizers (such as Bono and Al Gore) so in an effort to be more environmentally friendly and responsible PLEASE: Ride a horse or camel to your bombing site. Carpool whenever possible. Explode only what you need to, don’t be frivolous or “show offy”, be aware of secondary explosions that might produce large conflagrations. To help this along, HAMAS, along with our Iranian and Saudi friends, will be buying ‘carbon offsets’ and giving that information to the press.

3- And finally, a note from our political wing “Hello, in the spirit of ecumenism and brotherly love, the Catholics over at the Deir Al Latin Catholic Church will be having a bingo party Saturday afternoon. We ask that you please do not blow it up. Please stop by though for tea, cookies and dates if you would like.”



jan 22, 2008

The Daily Press Briefer

Select questions Jan 17/18 2008

QUESTION: Can you — in Kenya, nine Western government, including Australia, Britain, and Canada called in a joint statement for an end of killing unarmed civilian.

Mac: thank you for bringing that up: It’s obvious and disheartening to think that only 9 Western governments think that killing unarmed civilians is wrong. The US was not a signatory to such a blatantly one sided document as we lead the free nations in thinking that killing ALL civilians is wrong. We are in the process of bringing together a coalition, including the French and our neighbors to the West, the Mexicans, that will condemn all such acts. Next question.

QUESTION: And in terms of what happens afterwards, are you looking at whether the Solana channel will still be useful and whether it’s going to be useful to continue with — is it Jalili? I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten.

Mac: thank you for bringing that up: Solana, Jalili, Larinjani, Who in the dickens thinks up these names? I think the reason there is so much miscommunication is that no one really knows who we’re talking to. To that end, We are in the process of bringing together a coalition, including the French and our neighbors to the West, the Mexicans, that will attempt to normalize and standardize the naming of people so we don’t get into this “Jalili” mess. Do you know there are some countries where everyone has the same last name?

Next question.

QUESTION: Cambodia. Do you have any confirmation that U.S. is ready to play a role in the tribunal?

Mac: thank you for bringing that up: One of the most difficult parts of any International effort has already been addressed; the assignment of an acronym that everyone can use.

In this case the designated acronym is the “ECCC”. While it is a ‘good’ acronym, it is not a ‘great’ acronym. So we are in the process of bringing together a coalition, including the French and our neighbors to the West, the Mexicans, to study the different possibilities and report back to the International community with several different options.

Next question.

QUESTION: Yes, on Latin America. Yesterday, President Chavez again denounced (inaudible) plot between U.S. and Colombia to destabilize Venezuela and also try to kill him. I wonder if you have an official reaction to —

Mac: thank you for bringing that up: While we can sympathize with President Chavez’ predicament, the fact that he was NOT chosen for the “Celebrity Apprentice” show is not a matter that the Federal government can address. As for the rumors of ‘assassination’, President Chavez only has to look at our past history of such attempts and be assured that any successful assassination attempt would most assuredly be an accident. As for any complicity between the country of Columbia and the United States, We are in the process of bringing together a coalition, including the French and our neighbors to the West, the Mexicans, to examine the implications of bilateral cooperation between separate countries.

Thank you

jan 21, 2008

The US Department of State, for background: Afghanistan

The U.S. remains committed to working with President Karzai and his team as they rebuild the institutions of government and bring the benefits of peace and stability to every region of Afghanistan. A key priority of our assistance is to help the Afghan Government rebuild the infrastructure and institutions of Afghanistan

Of vast importance is of course the rebuilding of the leading agricultural farm crop, opium. According to the United Nations a dramatic 49% increase last year to a record opium poppy harvest in the country led to a new record in the world production of opium. Afghanistan accounts for 92% of global opium production. The total export value of the country’s opium harvest is estimated by the UN to amount to more than $3 billion, almost half the size of the country’s entire gross domestic product. More than 12% of Afghanistan’s population of 23 million is involved in opium poppy cultivation.

The second major Afghan institution to suffer terribly from the war and subsequent devastations is of course the enduring Afghan National sport of Buzkashi.

“We have the men, we have the horses, but bloody ‘ell if we’ve run out of goats” President Karzai was heard to mutter. American Ambassador William Wood and US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice have been reported to have taken a personal interest in rectifying the situation. As a quick fix the Embassy initially found and delivered several dozen Angora Rabbits, mistaking them with Angora Goats. “it wasn’t a pretty sight, the Ambassador was appalled at how easily the ears came off with one good tug. And the Afghan Buzkashi players of course were just left with a bloody mess”.

“We were lucky there was enough opium to go around after that fiasco, it might have really gotten out of hand.”

jan 20, 2008

M Jean-Claude Mallet, Conseil d’Etat

Progress Report on White Paper “State of Defense, Must we be Offensive?”


“you will assess what is necessary for the credibility of our deterrent force…”

M le President,

It is my pleasure to at this time review what we have accomplished in response to Le Presidential Mandate of July 31, 2007. Myself, and Le Minister of Defense, M. Herve Morin, have, while in the process of becoming quite infatuated with each other, have arrived at a unique and totally French way of at one time building National esteem and a defense force par excellence.

To take that famous French phrase “the clothes make the man”, we have taken it one step farther into the realm of “the clothes make Le Armee (or more specifically, Le Armee de Terre, Le Marine Nationale, Le Armee de l’Aire & Le Gendarmerie).”

We plan on recommending that a fifth branch of the Le Armed Forces be created, “Le Tailluer de Republic”. With an estimated personnel strength of almost 800,000, and the 3rd largest military expenditures in the world, M Morin and I suggest that the most pragmatic way of approaching personnel and fiscal responsibility would be to create a new motto for the Le Armies de France: “if we look good, we won’t have to fight”. (While we are all proud of the role that Le Armies France have played in the history of the world, truthfully we have had our greatest success’ against former colonies and our own former Aristocrats. While it is quite probable that we could beat the Italians with one hand tied behind our backs, they are not likely to attack us any time soon).

An unofficial poll that we took showed us that 25% of all young people under the age of 30 liked the idea of Fashion design, and that rose to 40% when Fashion design was incorporated with a military career.

It is even possible that this fifth “estate” may even win the designation of Haute Couture, which of course would make Le Armee both feared AND respected. The ’ready to wear’ and knockoffs licensing alone would allow the Minister to reimburse to Le Treasury an estimated 15% of total budget .

The full report follows.

M Mallet.

jan 19, 2008

Taliban, for immediate release

Taking a page from American entrepreneurs, the Taliban Tuesday stated that its suicide bombers would attack western restaurants in 30 minutes or less. On special orders the suicide bombing would be available for home delivery too.

This new marketing strategy could be the work of mastermind Mullah Abdullah, including the attempt to monopolize the “suicide bomber” niche market in Kabul with new mass marketing campaigns, snazzy new uniforms and coupons offering “2 for 1 specials” .

Said Abdullah “We’re going for the youth market in a big new way. We offer double the number of virgins as any other martyr group, and thanks to our new association with “fatwa’s R us”, all of our members can be assured that everything we do is in line with strict Quaranic dogma.”

As Kabul only has about a half dozen restaurants popular with westerners, Mullah Abdullah remarked “it takes a while to get marketing going, and with only 6 western restaurants we wouldn’t be able to get the impact we needed before they were all blown up. It’s unfortunate, but it looks like we’ll have to blow up 2 or 3 dozen local establishments to get the full impact of trashing the western haunts.” But he added “I hope this doesn’t stop Afgans from going out and supporting the local economy.”

jan 15, 2008

Insider Leaks

First Draft of Under Secretary for Political Affairs R. “Nicky” Burns Washington Post piece.

“three months have passed since the world called on Burma’ dictators, Gens. Than Shwe and Maung Aye to end their brutal crackdown on tens of thousands of peaceful monks and other demonstrators. They haven’t, so we’re going to open a can of whoop-ass on them.”

Internal Memo from Bishop Anthony Lobo, Secretary-General of Catholic Bishop Conference of Pakistan to His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI

“While we sorrow at the deaths of so many innocents, it’s difficult to pray for internal peace because when they aren’t killing each other they’re killing us.”

Note from Chief Mufti Sheikh ‘Abd Al-’Aziz bin ‘Abdullah Aal Al-Sheikh to Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques King Abdullah: “I share your concern with the state of the Umma your Highness. Over 900 Muslim killed by fellow Muslim in the last month alone. Where’s a Danish political cartoonist when you need one?”

jan 10, 2008