GW- come on in an have a seat Barak, I can call you Barak can’t I.

Call me George.

whoa, you don’t want to sit on that part of the couch.

that’s where Bill had his “pizza delivered” so to speak.

B- Thanks for being so kind to Michelle and me.

I know I was hard during the campaign, but take what I said

about you in the spirit of solid campaigning.

GW- That’s fine, I don’t watch much on TV anyway.

They didn’t mention anything about a “stargate” to you during your top secret

briefing, did they? No? They haven’t told me anything either.

You know, one of the most important things you have to do

when take on this office is…

rrrrrrring. one minute while I get the phone.

“Hi, go ahead. ……. Whoa, they did what…

got to give em credit for cojones don’t you. well, one second”.

Barak, your going to inherit this garbage, the Iraaanians are being idiots.

Should I nuke ’em, your call son?

B- uh, not right now.

GW- right, the ‘news cycle’ thing. I got ya. “Hi General.

Tell Dick to send him another box of ties. Yeah the clip on ones.

Tell him to get the one’s with Mickey Mouse on them,

that should really piss that Achminejadad off!”

B- ties?

GW- Yeah, that Iranian President never wears a suit with a tie.

Looks sloppy.

Not Presidential.

So whenever he does something stupid, instead of going Reagan on

his ass, I send him a box of ties with a note inside.

B- a note?

GW- yeah, heh. “the next time it may not be ties”

B- well, I think my saying will be “instead of going Bush on his ass”

GW- well, that’s what legacy’s are all about aren’t they.

We only got hit once on my watch.

Hopefully your successor will not have to “go Obama” on anybody.

B- Point taken.

GW- yo. Do you know you can get tickets to just about

anything with this job. Free. good seats seats too.

end transcript.

nov 13,2008

whoa man, check this out, one of our own says GW Bush has DIED, and they have video!!

-mongo wow dude. Who’s this Bushy guy?

-woaow. they say he’s-the-president-of-the-united-states—.

-a moment of silence please.

wait.

Isn’t Dick somebody the pres?

-I do believe you’re correct fellow fact-chequer.

-BOMB, this potential eye catching video goes into the trash can. crunch!

-remember last month when they snuk Steve Jobs by us?

-yes, an untimely and unsatisfactory con Job.

-shall we stop there?

-I do believe so.

nov 9, 2008

Bill and Hillary:

“Hillary come on to bed, it’s after 3 o’clock”

Barak and Michelle:

“It’s after 3 o’clock?, let’s let the kids stay up a little bit later”

Joe Biden:

“I’m not a Senator any more mom.”

Sasha:

“dear diary: we’re getting a new puppy!!!!”

nov 4, 2008

From the desk of John Podesta,

Presidential Elect Barak Obama Transition Team

Position of Secretary of State

For immediate release

Everyone here has been discussing and speculating on

the purpose of Senator Clintons visits and consultations

with the President-elect and the likely possibility

that she will be asked and nominated to become the next

Secretary of State. The conservative media and the

Republican attack machine has come out embracing the

questions of effectiveness in the light of her husbands,

the former Presidents, own philanthropy and fully legal

dealings as both an individual and effective representative

called upon time and time again by the current President

to both represent the United States and spearhead disaster

relief and awareness efforts on this governments behalf.

While fully appreciating the International appeal and

reputation of Senator Clinton and the obvious strength and

deportment she would be bring to any and all international

efforts, the President elect is also loathe to lose her

vitality and strength of commitment to championing causes

as the voice of reason in the Senate that she should have

to resign that seat to become Secretary of State.

To that end and with those requirements in mind,

President Elect Obama, after careful thought and quiet

deliberation, will propose Senator Clinton as the

FIRST ANIMATED SECRETARY OF STATE.

Bringing both the Voice talents of Hillary Clinton and the

animation genius of Matt Groenig together in service to their

country. After consultation with esteemed constitutional lawyers,

it has been established that “while it’s nice to have a human being

in the position, you don’t really have to.” And that being a voice

actor, even if it’s the “voice behind the office”, there would be

NO constitutional requirement for Senator Clinton to give up

her Senate seat. Esteemed constitutional lawyers contacted for

their opinion were even of the opinion that

“Animated Representatives” would not even have to be

confirmed by the Senate.

Senator Clinton and Mr. Groenig will be meeting shortly to

design a character to the Senator’s liking.

The Senator has stated a fondness for a “leala” kind of Kick-butte

type of character while the Former President has been effusive

in his praise for “that amy wong, WOW”.

More to follow.

sept 18, 2008

For immediate release: 7-3-2008

Subject: 90 billion Barrels of oil and 1,670 trillion cubic feet of Natural Gas Assessed in the Artic

(transcript of the newsconference follows September 13, 2008 100 pm)

Hello, I am BP jr of the USGS, you have

-excuse me. Andrew Revkin New York Times. Your paper says “for immediate release, July 3 2008” and today is September 13, would you care to comment? Huh?

BP jr -thank you Mr. Revnik, in geological time, 2 months is a drop in the bucket.

You have all been

-Me Me Me. Denise Gellens Los Angeles Times? Yes. thank you. I notice throughout your reports the USGS continues to use the aniquated form of measure the English Unit. What do you think this says to our European Allies that once again we throwing American hegenomy in their faces by refusing to adapt our measures to those units that the majority of the rest of the world that matters is using in their everyday lives? How do you think it makes them feel? Really?

Small children included.

BP jr- thank you Ms. Gellens. The report is in the form of standard scientific notation that relevant international organizations would find comfortable to read. It is probably written above the level of most small children.

You have all been given

-thank you for calling on me. Juliet Eiperin, Washington Post. THE Washington Post. uh huh.

that’s correct. When all else is said and done, and the billions and billions and billions of barrels of oil have been extricated from the pristine environnment and the land has been raped and plundered; what is going to have happened to that smallest and most delicate of god’s creature:

the wood frog? What plans have you made to salvage even the smallest part of his environment?

WHAT are you going to DO!?

BP jr- thank you Ms. Eiperin. As it is my understanding that wood frogs are fundamental to the diet of caribou, I would anticipate we will be feeding them to the deer.

If I may continue: You have all been given a packet

-Right. If I have to come down here you’ll damn well answer my questions. Antonio Regelado.

WSJ. Would you care to elaborate on your relation to ‘Big Oil’ as it applies to the exploitation of our national resources in relation to stable commodity pricing, FIFO, LIFO and what the FO and venture capitalism’s inherent instability when dealing with the possible current extraction technology problems drilling in reallyreallyreally cold weather and why are the initials in your name the same as “british petroleum”. BP.? quickly now, I’m on deadline. ticktock, ticktock.

BP jr- FO indeed Mr. Regelado

One last time, You have all been given a packet with relevant information

-I’m really sorry. Elizabeth Weise, USA today. This isn’t the Bernstein bar mitzvah?

BP jr-Down the hall and to the left dear.

Thank you and goodbye.

sept 13, 2008

the American Ambassador to Venezuela

The Honorable “P. Duddy”

To: the President of Venezuela, Mr. Hugo Chavez

Re: What you say in the press and won’t say to my FACE!

Last night, I couldn’t even get an answer, I tried to call, I tried to call

Straight to the chase because everyone knows the case

Please believe its getting stormy

I can’t help it I’m an optimist

Why don’t you pick up your phone and dial up my number

If you saying that I need to leave, then be a man about it, tell me please

NOW SAY MY NAME!

it’s the D the U the D the D the Y

the D the U the D

it’s DUDDY

sept 11, 2008

Department of State

Select questions Nov 7, 2008 on the transition

Q- can you comment on the transition from the Bush to the Obama administration?

Mr. W- Yes, and thank you for that question: We initially thought that we would be able to use most of the existing stationary, and just white out the “ush”, and type the “O” and “ama” around the existing “B”. But after prolonged and substantive discussions with the transition team, it was decided that having to have ALL of the President-elects surname in capitals, as would be required “O-B-A-M-A” as the currents Presidents first letter in his last name is capitalized “B-u-s-h” would neccessitate the President-elects christian name being capitalized also “B-A-R-A-K” and that is not the message the President-elect wants to send; ALL the stationary will be new and with the President-elects full name with only the initial letters capitalized: “B-a-r-a-k O-b-a-m-a”

Q- we understand that you have a team of..

Mr.W- that is a team of 24 State Department employees ready to assist the transition team.

Q- Can you tell us their make-up?

Mr. W- yes: they are broken up evenly into 4 teams with one center, two point guards, two forwards, and the rest utility players. They will be available through out the transition period for one on one or a “round robin” type of play whenever required. The teams are made up of career state department basketball players so the transition team will get the very best the state department has to offer.

Q-is it true that Secretary Rice might…?

Mr. W- anytime. Secretary Rice can play with the big dawgs and she’s never been shy about showing the kids how the “pro’s” put the moves on the floor.

thank you.

sept 10, 2008

Professor Emiratus Charvus ‘de Ebullance

Sitting Eisner chair Columbia Particle Physics

Large Hadron Collider “looky-loo” group at Fermi

Mssr’s.

It is the opinion of the Fermi LLG that the probability that the LHC will produce a world ending cataclysmic event are well within the ‘but this is really exiciting stuff’ range of error that we Physicists use when deciding whether or not to go ahead with these things.

CE

sept 10,2008

To: Webmaster, DOS homepage.

Dear Franklin:

just a few typo’s and mis’cues this time:

item one: “US signs MISSILE defense”, just had to explain to the Russians that we actually had said “we’re going to sign a misc’ll defense package”, MISCELLANIOUS. hah hah hah. Please correct.

item two: “NATO support for Georgia”, had to explain to the Russkies again the typo ” NADA support for Georgia”, nyet, zip, nonga.

item three: “Pakistan President Resigns”, got us into a lot of trouble. Should have been

“Pakistan President RE-SIGNS” the “-” got dropped! What should have been a short interest piece on Mushhi buying more grain turns into, well you know what! Correction please.

Connie looks great with those new picts.

later,

Murray

aug 21, 2008

Job Posting:

Al Qaida #645-3122a

We are looking for 100 men to go to the United States and pursuit advanced degrees in LAW.

Following the US Supreme Court decision Boumediene v Bush and the likelihood of political changes occurring in the US political establishment, the Supreme Council considers it likely that in 5 to 7 years time “enemy combatants” will be able to both argue against their detainment and assert legal rights immediately upon being captured on the battlefield. We are looking for people who after studying the US system of jurisprudence will accompany their brothers while fighting the Americans and represent their brothers immediately if they are captured in combat.

Required: fluency in written and spoken English.

High school, secondary/college education, degree preferred.

Acceptable scores on the LSAT (tutoring available)

Open to all members and affiliates in good standing.

july 21, 2008