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Another Prophet Mohamed joke (pbuh)

After a long day of Jihad, the Prophet walks into “Joes”, sits down at the bar, and yells at Joe to bring him the usual. Joe isn’t actually there, but his nephew Burt is. Burt leans over to one of the regulars to ask him what the Prophets ‘usual’ is. Burt looks a little perplexed, but shrugs ‘okay’, gets a large mug, fills it full of beer, sets it in front of Mohamed, takes out a knife and decapitates the Prophet in one smooth stroke. He picks up the stunned bouncing face from the floor and puts it on the beer. Joe walks in at that minute and looking at the mess and his nephew shakes his head asking Burt what happened. Burt turns to his uncle and says “he asked for his usual, and they said his usual was a large beer but to make sure it had a good head on it.’

Remember Molly Norris

A physics joke:
Omar Abdel-Rahman dies and goes to heaven to stand in front of St. Peter and the pearly gates. Omar says to St. Peter “I AM THE BLIND SHAKE AND” and disappears accompanied by the sounds of souls in torment. The angel attending St. Peter looks aghast and asked why he sent the blind shake to hell so fast. St. Peter looks at him and replies “oh, that’s just one of my little quarks”.

Get me to a safe zone, QUICK!

Hillary didn’t win.
Doesn’t everyone understand that the very basis of all the changes that have occurred over the past 8 years is the belief, no the CERTAINTY, that the fact that I can own my pain means that what I want has to not only be acknowledged, but actively catered too.
-How many Woman were terminally offended because the first woman president wasn’t elected. How many of the ‘conversations’ (how do I tell my daughter that she didn’t win?) took place.
-How many people woke up to ‘not the country I: thought I lived in, knew I lived in, was disappointed that I lived in…’
-How many people woke up with a sense of fear, foreboding, fearful foreboding.
-How many people were surprised that every white person is a misogynistic racist jerk. How did they tell their daughters?
-How many people woke up wondering how so many others were so blind and stupid not to be able to see how obvious the choice had been.

The only thing I can do, is tell people to own their pain while they can.
-If you’re a student, tell your professor, teacher that you’re so upset you can’t attend classes or take midterms.
-If you’re the parent of a young child, encourage them to feel lost and forlorn for as long as you can, let them feel lost, because this isn’t the world you expected.
-If you’re a minority or female, march, break (other peoples) things and let everyone know how terribly unfair life is and that you didn’t get your way.
-If you are ? questioning ?, hurry up and use whatever bathroom you want to, because who knows what may happen in the potty in a month or two. It could be devastating. Just devastating.

And finally, remember that people, PEOPLE! owe you the right to own your pain.

If not, then what were the last 8 years about?

Iowa code 718A: you shall not respect the first amendment

(on August 11,2016, Homer Martz was arrested in Iowa for hanging the US flag upside down as a protest, the charge was desecrating the american flag)
It must have been a very slow day when they decided to let Iowa become a part of the United States.
Maybe when they gave them the ‘homeowners association covenant rules and guideline’ they accidentally left out that part that had the little thing called the Constitution and Bill of Rights.
I think that maybe it’s time to designate Iowa as a ‘safe place’, so that when other people in ‘really mean’ states get their feelings hurt, they can go to Iowa because there are no potty mouths or bad people there.
-It is against the law in state of Confusion (otherwise known as Iowa) to “…publicly…satirize,deride or burlesque, either by words or act, flag of the …United States or …flag of this state [iowa].
It is important to point out that while illegal to SATIRIZE the flag, it is apparently legal to SATYRIZE it (leading to the unappetizing picture of the Daughters of the American Revolution frolicking about in Dionysian orgies wrapped in nothing but the staid flag of Iowa to cover their nether regions).
-As reported in “The Messenger” the local paper and stalwart defender of the Constitution, a scathing editorial was noted that stated “Nothing compares to the Iowa state fair, Don’t miss your chance..” (this was actually written before the arrest of Homer Martz for hanging the flag upside down, but it appears to be as scathing an editorial as scathing gets in Iowa.)
-the flag of Iowa (simply a copy of the french flag) with what appears to be an eagle with its head turned and its beak pulling a ribbon adorned with the words ‘our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain” out of its ass.
And finally, kudos to those brave officers who arrested Mr. Martz. They the bastions of law enforcement, reminiscent of those same stalwarts who in the 50’s ‘had to arrest them colored people ’cause it’s agin the law for them to drink from the white peoples drinking fountains. Get along now, ya hear’. Some things don’t change, a case of arrested development?
Let’s run it up the flag-pole and see if anyone salutes?

…and the word was made fresh

Heaven: Corporate headquarters
Office of God.

(door opens)
Oh, hello Sir, would you have a seat.
Sure Jeanine, thank you.
(intercom) God, Jesus is here, your 10 o’clock.
(static) I know Jeanine, send him in please.
Jeanine- God is always so nice
(louder) I can hear you Jeanine.
Jeanine- (whispering) except on Mondays
(whispering) I can still hear you Jeanine!
Jeanine- Jesus, do you know how long it’s been since I’ve got a raise?
Pause
NOW he can’t hear me.
Pause
(I heard that)
Please send Jesus in Jeanine.
Jeanine- please go in, obviously he’s in one of his moods.
(the sound of thunder outside)
Jeanine- I HEARD THAT!
(Jesus goes into Gods office, shakes his hand and sits down)
God-thanks for coming in (intercom) Jeanine, please hold all my calls,
and (God winks at Jesus ‘watch this’) can you get us some coffee, 2
double Whip expresso and a couple of cheese Danish please?
(Jeanine walks in with 2 cups of chamomile tea and 2 bran muffins.)
Don’t want to be a role model, then don’t be God.
I’ll hold your calls Sir.
God looks at her as she walks out of the office and closes the door.
Hmmph.
Well, I think it’s time we start planning for your second coming.
Jesus-huh?
God-Just want to start throwing some ideas around, get a feel for what you think.
Pause
Well, what do you think?
Jesus-first, no manger, no barn. I do not want to see a cow outside of Mcdonalds.
God- gotcha. No Charlie Brown Christmas this time.
Jesus-but we can keep Vince Guaraldi.
God- definitely.
Jesus-Second, I think skipping the whole child-adolescent thing works this time.
Don’t want people to get wrapped up on parenting and growth issues. “he can’t be Jesus, would Jesus have 2 daddies?” “how can he be well rounded with 2 dozen brothers and sisters”, “is he a male, do you have trans feelings, have you ever kissed a boy. Have you ever kissed a girl…”
They would turn me into a reality show and I don’t want to be a part of “Jesus meets the Kardashians”
God- go on.
Jesus-We got the message out, we just need to reinforce it. “all you need is love” , buh buh dum dum da da.
Any chance on getting the rights back on that?
God- Not-a-chance
Jesus- have you talked with-
God-I can call anybody, but you know as well as I that I can’t make them pick up the phone.
Jesus-true dat
God- ‘true dat’?
Jesus-
“I gotta rap,
Cause it is my time,
I’m Jesus Christ
An I can bust a rhyme!”

I got a lot more street than I was before.
God- yead. tell you what, you work up a facebook page. Get a twitter account.
Think about message and what I can do to help.
Remember we can’t cheat and we have to play by the rules.
Jesus-(smiling) and that includes…?
God- yeah, we can put something on Netflix.
Jesus- you the man. Get back together in about a week?

God (intercom) Jeanine, could you put Jesus on the book for next week. We can make it a lunch.
(aside: it’ll get me out and I know this great little Italian place).
Jeanine- yes sir, and your 11 o’clock is here.
God- oh hell.
Jesus- that bad?
God-huh, no no no. it’s hell. My 11 o’clock.
Jesus-hat off to the man in charge.
God-get out of here son.
Send him in Jeanine.

To be continued…

Jayhawk: Message from the Chancellor on BODY CAMERA’s being worn by ALL professors

It is not only important to monitor what the instructor is saying but be able to closely monitor the Students’ reaction. We must not only be aware of the content of lectures, but the perceived content.
Instructors must be held to the highest standard in assessing what the Student perceives what he/she/he-she/she-he/he-he/she-she/questioning/unknown/refuse to divulge/other hears.
Re-Actions professors will be held accountable for in their Students:
The bug eyes: generally indicates a subject or matter that the Student is not emotionally equipped to deal with, and the professor should immediately change the subject. Several Students evincing concurrent behavior and the professor should lead in creating a Jayhawk Safe Circle for no less than 10 minutes.
The vapors: generally indicate that ‘the bug eyes’ were ignored and a serious emotional trauma is occurring in relation to a subject matter exposure in the classroom. The Student(s) exhibiting ‘the vapors’ should immediately be removed from the environment, ensconced in a mobile Jayhawk Safe Circle, to a place of safety and security of the Student’s choice.
The OH NO’s: generally indicates that the grade on a paper is not reflective of the amount of hard work and determination that the Student knew they put into the paper. Students know much better than instructors how much work and effort they have put into a project and how much they truly ‘know’.
If the instructor is faced with the emotional trauma of an ‘OH NO’ event, the instructor should immediately apologize for the given grade and change it incrementally until the ‘relief face’ is noticed.
The brave face/I’m trying not to cry pouty face: generally indicates the Student is trying to live up to an ill conceived gender or ethnic related notion or stereotype of ‘being tough’ in the face of unearned adversity. Initially the hostile trigger that the instructor created should be addressed and changed, then a Jayhawk Safe Circle of no less than 10 minutes in duration should be created. In the case of pronounced ‘brave/pouty face’ syndrome, it might be recommended for the instructor to leave the classroom for at least 15 minutes and then return with a profuse apology for causing the mishap.
In any and all cases, the instructor should be held accountable for the Students perception of events. Post-traumatic classroom events such as those recognized by the Student emotionally the ‘class after it happened’ should be dealt with immediately by the current instructor present in an effort to address any potential for long term educational disability.
It should be noted that tenure is no protection for the instructors inability to deal positively and appropriately with their Students.

The Chancellor: Little/Gray

OH Todo, we’re not in Kansas anymore!

Not the Kansas I grew up in!
University of Kansas professor Andrea Quenette uses a racial slur in the course of her teaching and students flee. “We were devastated” reported an obviously shocked and still stunned first year Doctoral student, wandering aimlessly. Reporting immediately to the scene were the mental health counselors from the Watkins Memorial Health Center. “We haven’t seen this level of devastation since they accidently put that Mark Twain book on the graduate reading list! I don’t even want to think about all the devastation that caused!” related head counselor Selma-Walkin Watkins. The counselors, joining hands and forming the now famous “Jayhawk safe-circle”, engulfed each of the listless and bewildered wandering Doctoral students chanting the now famous “Jayhawk safe-circle” chant: “Safe circle, safe circle, you’re in a safe circle. Safe circle, safe circle, we’re in a safe circle”.
Joe Manoco, University spokesman, had this to say: “The University totally disassociates itself from any speech that may be considered disrespectful, irreverent or cause feelings of devastation amongst our student body. Singular issues such as the potty mouth rhetoric of a ‘communications’ professor, reinforce the need for body cameras to be worn by each instructor on campus to ensure appropriate and intelligent interactions with students in a safe and emotionally secure environment. The obvious emotional whiplash caused by the caustic use of a, racial slur, in any context and under any circumstance on this campus will of course be dealt with immediately. That students feel unable to continue with their studies and fear not only their professor but the kind of people who would hire her does lead us to question the very existence and mission of the entire Contemporary Communications Department. The Chancellor has instructed that until further notice, the Doctoral program in the Studies of Urban Hip Hop music and Gangster Rap is suspended until the students can be certain of returning to their studies without having to fear hearing their professors use verbally insensitive racial, ethnic or gender based slurs or derogatory remarks in their presence.”

on a lighter note: cannibal etiquette

1: never slap a cannibal on the back and say “Well Done!”

2: never ask a cannibal “okay, what’s eating you?”

3: don’t ask, everything does taste like chicken.

4: having a rabbi for dinner does NOT automatically mean

it’s kosher.

5: child cannibals are not always pickney eaters (obscure).