All posts by Millard Bunson

Millard Bunson, cut outs from daily news. declassified.

-The UN Security Council removed Ahmed Idigress Nasreddin from its list of terrorist financiers. Nasreddin mollified the Councils concerns with a written promise to ” Cross my heart and hope to die” but it was with the addition of ” and stick a finger in my eye if I lie” that the reluctant members of the Council were finally convinced of his sincere change of heart.

-The Saudi Interior Ministry arrested 200 with suspected links to Al-Qeada inside the Kingdom.

Upon interrogation though, the Minister discovered that all of the 190 native Saudi thought to be Al-Qaeda sympathizer in the band had surreptitiously allied with the 10 foriegners because they thought they meant the Kingdom harm. The 190 Saudi’s were immediately released with words of praise from the Minister.

-Internet intelligence experts estimate there are over 5600 sites dedicated to the Al-Qaeda ideology currently on the WWW. As the targets of this propaganda are overwhelmingly dissafected teenage youth, the American CIA is evaluating the effectiveness of a viral program that will immediately redirect the monitor to “sexy, American pornagraphy sites” whenever an “Al-Qaeda” site is queeried. According to Cecil Vemerty, Assistant Director of ‘really secret stuff’ “We are just ******* //////** and ******///// to ****** ******* ******** //// with erections”

jan 8, 2008

an anonymous staffer, special to Millard Bunson

Inside the “war room” the powers that be hash out the new strategy for lagging front runner. HRC (Her Royal Candidateness) is in “full battle mode”.

Adviser 1-We need to find a way to get you connected with the younger crowd, the “O” man is killing us!

Adviser 2- How’s this, we get you and Bill on a late night talk show, Bill plays the sax while YOU smile and clap in time. Because you were there, we can spin it so that YOU were playing it also! Kids these days love musicians. So they should love YOU!

Adviser 3–Mines better: we get some kid in the audience to shout out “boxer’s or briefs?”, kids love that underwear stuff!

Adviser 2-Do we have time for quick trip over to Ireland? Just a quick day thing huh? We could get pictures of you looking concerned standing outside a pub, or a Starbucks would be even better! And that would translate into a whole load of diplomacy credentials. Kids would love the combo of diplomacy and Latte, or we could even morph it into a whole “pub and spring break thing”, kids love the pub and spring break thing.

Adviser 1-wait wait wait wait wait! Chelsea is really looking cute these days. Kids really love the cute look thing, and maybe she could go on the VIEW and talk about being cute in New Hampshire? Kids would love it! And then they would love you!

Adviser 3-And we have to get you out there tomorrow talking about how you were young once. And maybe if you’re elected that’ll make you young again! Your mother could go with you and tell how much of a rebel you are NOW because you act so young. Kids’ll love it because they’ll know you can relate then.

Adviser 2-And it would really help if you could get hassled by the “man” for something too. Street Cred’s, that would give you street cred’s. Can we schedule that on this short notice? No?

Adviser 1- Maybe we could sneak your name in the Mitchell report, “unnamed sources…”. Huh, how bout that?

Adviser 2-NO, that’s to old for “kid stuff”. Maybe we could get you in to see Brittany. Kid’s would love it if you could help Brittany!

Adviser 3- That’s it! Then you, Brittany and Chelsea can all go out and get a tattoo!

The kids’ll love it and you’ll take all the momentum away from the “O” man.

Let’s GO!

jan 5, 2008

the White House communications room,

recently declassified phone conversation between

the President and Vice President of the United States

Eagle 1- GW Bush

Boomer- Dick Cheney

operator: Mr. President, the Vice President is on the line.

Eagle 1- Dick,

Boomer- Yes George.

Eagle 1- Dick, I just got finished watching that-

Boomer- Mr. President, I can assure you that-

Eagle 1- I know you’ve told me before, but I want your word on this!

Boomer- Mr. President, I swear, if we had a Stargate you’d be the first to know.

Eagle 1- okay,

(pause, static)

Eagle 1- And send that Ahmadinejad guy another box of ties, make ’em clip on this time, he’s an

embarassment to us all.

Boomer-Yes Mr. President, anything else?

Eagle 1- No Dick, over and out.

(pause)

Eagle 1- ?, over and out Dick.

(pause)

Boomer- (sigh) 10-4 Mr. President.

(disconnect, click, static)

jan 5, 2008

from the desk of Islamic Jihad

Dear Islamic comrades in arms:

It has been decided by the Supreme Council to discontinue the use of the

“SUICIDE YAK” in favor of other more deadly (and certain) modalities.

We applaud the initiative of our Taliban brother in Allah who initially discovered the idea after sitting underneath his yak, close to the tail, and lighting a cigarette. The resulting explosion as the yak passed gas made an immediate martyr of our brother and began the unfortunate start of hundreds of young Muslim driving herds of yaks, cows, sheep and an occasional goat into village and town squares, sitting under them, lifting their tails, and lighting matches.

We applaud in particular Abdulrahman, martyred the moment the lit match brushed ever so slightly against the yaks scrotum.

While we encourage initiative, please forward any new ideas to the Supreme Council before implementation.

oct 14, 2006

Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, talks

In a secret undisclosed location, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah gave this reporter an in-depth, exclusive interview:

MB- Sheik Nasrallah, thank you for your time.

SN- of course Millard, are you comfortable? Would you like some tea? Osama, get us some tea and dates.

MB- Sheik Nasrallah, it has been reported that you never foresaw nor intended the conflagration that occurred after your capture of the Israeli soldiers.

SN- first, let me emphasize that we never captured them. It was simply a matter of miscommunication.

My Hezbollah club members thought the soldiers were saying “would you like a game of Whist?”. They don’t speak Hebrew, and apparently “would you stop shooting at us?” in Hebrew sounds very much like “would you like a game of Whist?” in Arabic. We are big Whist players, we Lebanese! So, of course they said “YES!”. After the invasion started, it was not safe to let the soldiers go, so we have been keeping them safe. They are very good Whist players too!

MB- thank you for clearing that up Sheik Nasrallah.

SN- as to the other part of the question, if I would have had a 1 percent inclination that inviting the two soldiers over to play Whist would have had this effect, we never would have done it. Even a 1 percent chance!

Wait a moment please: Turn up the radio, what were those lottery numbers? And the Powerball? AHHH. Nothing.

I always play my mothers birthday. Well, maybe next time.

Anyway, even if there had been a smaller than 1 percent chance we wouldn’t have done it!

MB- what of the United Nations role in seeking to help resolve the conflict.

SN- first I would like to distance myself from any knowledge of any irregularities that occur from our group hiring any of Kofi Annans relatives to help with the assigning of contracts to help rebuild the downtown Beirut districts. I believe that the United Nations can be instrumental in achieving the delay that predicates the possibility of potential peace based on the assumption of full Lebanese sovereignty integral to the national interests of border states such as Syria and regional partners such as Iran with the full duplicity of the European Union; mediated with the economic assistance of those peace loving members of the western democracies resolving to mitigate the suffering of our poor Lebanese brethren and assuring the structural integrity of this state of resolution that maintains the status quo and keeps me in turbans.

MB- very well said, Sheik Nasrallah. I think what is on everyone’s mind is, now that the conflict is over, what are you going to do?

SN- I’m going to Disneyland! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Osama! Where is that tea? Thank you Millard.

MB- Somewhere in somewhere, this is Millard Bunson.

aug 27, 2006

From Ayman al Zawahri

Welcome to our new brothers of Gamaa al Islamiya!

Some problems have occurred that I would like to address now:

1- Membership cards of Gamaa al Islamiya will be honored and you will receive the 10% discount at all Al Qaeda member stores.

2- Members of Gamaa al Islamiya will no longer be accruing double frequent flyer miles when using the company card. If you wish to know why PLEASE READ THE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK.

3- To our brethren of the Gamaa al Islamiya who wished to form the Hezbollah support group the “Islamic Brotherhood Of Warriors Embracing Lebanon Movement” we applaud your effort. The banners, posters, flags and brochures featuring the “Islamic B.O.W.E.L. Movement” were in the process of being made though, and we ask that any new names for groups be submitted before any advertising or promotional material is made.

4- Members of Gamaa al Islamiys are invited to the company picnic, Osama promises to do his “I am Woman” on the karaoke in full burka again this year.

Ayman

aug 6, 2006