All posts by Millard Bunson

Select hearings on IS IS

(secretly recorded answers from the secret select committee hearing featuring John Mcain as Senator John Mcain and Ash Carter doing his impersonation of the Secretary of Defense. For national security reasons, all questions have been redacted and only answers have been cleared to be shown)

JM- redacted opening question.
AC-Well Senator, it all depends what your definition of IS, IS.
JM- redacted question.
AC-No, not ISIS, is,is.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Is ILL? No I’m feeling fine thank you
JM- redacted question.
AC-ISIL? Ohhh, I-S-I-L. , yes Senator, we do have a plan for fighting ISIL.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes, the ‘feminization’ of out fighting forces IS a part of our fight against ISIL. Strictly observant muslim will not interact with females. Our meticulously convoluted thought process is that if we blanket the front lines with women, as soon as the ISIL fighters see them, they will immediately leave the field of battle thinking that they have inadvertently gone into the ‘women’s sector’. To make it even more unpleasant for the ISIL fighters, we will announce over the battlefield that all our female soldiers are on their periods and they are all actively menstruating.
JM- redacted question.
AC-We are attempting to contain ISIL, right now we are anticipating complete engulfment within the confines of Texas in 6 to 12 months.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Look at our track record Sir, how can you NOT think our ‘ploy’ of accepting tens of thousands of ‘syrian’ refugees directly into Texas would work.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator, I know they look like children, and we prefer to call them “little people” and not ‘midgets’.
JM- redacted question.
AC-‘Dwarves’ is also not acceptable.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator.
JM- redacted question.
AC- a body and face covering hijab might allow a physically born male person to sneak past our customs people, but it is better to allow 100 terrorists in than offend the sensibilities of one devout female Muslim.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator, the administration is going to put out a directive to immigration to the effect that transgender persons should be allowed in under the ‘I’m persecuted and generally I don’t think I’m treated very well and you have to let me in’ exemption clause of the Immigration Act.
JM- redacted question.
AC-Yes Senator, and that would cover (sic) Men attempting to enter the country dressed in full hijab and pretending to be women anyway, so why bother checking?
JM- redacted question.
AC-Senator, Please remember what makes this country great is our ability to care more about the feelings of one immigrant than the potential safety of tens of thousands of our own citizens!

The Senate select hearing committee meeting was given an emergency recess so that the Secretary of Defense could go to a ‘safe circle’ for a few moments.

Jayhawk: Message from the Chancellor on BODY CAMERA’s being worn by ALL professors

It is not only important to monitor what the instructor is saying but be able to closely monitor the Students’ reaction. We must not only be aware of the content of lectures, but the perceived content.
Instructors must be held to the highest standard in assessing what the Student perceives what he/she/he-she/she-he/he-he/she-she/questioning/unknown/refuse to divulge/other hears.
Re-Actions professors will be held accountable for in their Students:
The bug eyes: generally indicates a subject or matter that the Student is not emotionally equipped to deal with, and the professor should immediately change the subject. Several Students evincing concurrent behavior and the professor should lead in creating a Jayhawk Safe Circle for no less than 10 minutes.
The vapors: generally indicate that ‘the bug eyes’ were ignored and a serious emotional trauma is occurring in relation to a subject matter exposure in the classroom. The Student(s) exhibiting ‘the vapors’ should immediately be removed from the environment, ensconced in a mobile Jayhawk Safe Circle, to a place of safety and security of the Student’s choice.
The OH NO’s: generally indicates that the grade on a paper is not reflective of the amount of hard work and determination that the Student knew they put into the paper. Students know much better than instructors how much work and effort they have put into a project and how much they truly ‘know’.
If the instructor is faced with the emotional trauma of an ‘OH NO’ event, the instructor should immediately apologize for the given grade and change it incrementally until the ‘relief face’ is noticed.
The brave face/I’m trying not to cry pouty face: generally indicates the Student is trying to live up to an ill conceived gender or ethnic related notion or stereotype of ‘being tough’ in the face of unearned adversity. Initially the hostile trigger that the instructor created should be addressed and changed, then a Jayhawk Safe Circle of no less than 10 minutes in duration should be created. In the case of pronounced ‘brave/pouty face’ syndrome, it might be recommended for the instructor to leave the classroom for at least 15 minutes and then return with a profuse apology for causing the mishap.
In any and all cases, the instructor should be held accountable for the Students perception of events. Post-traumatic classroom events such as those recognized by the Student emotionally the ‘class after it happened’ should be dealt with immediately by the current instructor present in an effort to address any potential for long term educational disability.
It should be noted that tenure is no protection for the instructors inability to deal positively and appropriately with their Students.

The Chancellor: Little/Gray

At home with Abu Bakr-Al Baghdadi, one on one with Millard Bunson (part 1)

(we meet in progress)
Millard: and entering your study, we see that you have one of the worlds’ preeminent collections of MC Coolidge’s work, on velvet no less, of “dogs praying to Mecca around a poker table”.
Abu: yes Millard, and I am very proud of it. Totaling 9 in all, it also includes the 5 piece ‘dogs doing the Haj’ as celebrated in the old Wahibist tradition.
Millard: ah yes, the beagle trotting around the Kaaba looks almost lifelike! and Coolidge’s small joke with the boxer appearing to sniff the Dobermans butt during ‘ruku’, truly a classic.
Abu: Yes, who says we Muslims can’t have fun. The Prophet, as he was in all things, had the greatest sense of humor of them all. Several instances are reported in the Hadith, and Sura 115 Al-Bundy:
The Prophet and the Companions were sitting around the campfire and the Prophet was relating inspiring stories to stir the hearts of men. Unfortunately, as was his wont, Sayyidina ‘Umar al-Faruq was not paying attention, but kept on getting up to fill his plate with more pieces of barbecued camel. Well, after a while the Prophet grew tired of the interruptions and (it is reported that the Prophet had a mischievous twinkle in his eye) every time ‘Umar got up, started throwing his voice (the Prophet as in all things was an excellent ventriloquist) and as only the Prophet could, making mellifluous sounding fart noises of various degrees, lengths and intensities. ‘Umar was more than a little deaf, as his greatest friend (after the Prophet who as in all things was the best friend a person could have) was Sayyidina ‘AbdurRahman ibn ‘Awf (it was written that Sayyidina ‘Awf could ‘Allah Akbar’ to make the mountains shake and the lions quake). All that ‘Allah Akbar’ing had left ‘Umar deaf in his right ear. The story; the Prophet was making fart noises whenever ‘Umar rose and sat back down again, soon he had all the Companions in tears they were laughing so hard. ‘Umar finally realized the fun that was being had at his expense, and the Prophet, to help cover ‘Umar’s embarrassment, delivered that famous Hadith “that everyone who is eating camel meat should perform a new ablution.” Of course everyone had eaten camel meat that night, and so all the Companions got up (including the Prophet, to show there was no hard feelings) and slapping ‘Umar on the back with friendly banter, went off to wash. Needless to say, ‘Umar did not interrupt the Prophet again!

Millard: and is that why

Abu: yes Millard, that is the reason why on every devout Muslims smart phone, you will indeed find a 99 cent app for making fart noises,

Millard: well now isn’t that

Abu: “PPPPPHHHHHHHHHHT!” please don’t interrupt Millard.

Millard: ha ha ha.

(to be continued)

OH Todo, we’re not in Kansas anymore!

Not the Kansas I grew up in!
University of Kansas professor Andrea Quenette uses a racial slur in the course of her teaching and students flee. “We were devastated” reported an obviously shocked and still stunned first year Doctoral student, wandering aimlessly. Reporting immediately to the scene were the mental health counselors from the Watkins Memorial Health Center. “We haven’t seen this level of devastation since they accidently put that Mark Twain book on the graduate reading list! I don’t even want to think about all the devastation that caused!” related head counselor Selma-Walkin Watkins. The counselors, joining hands and forming the now famous “Jayhawk safe-circle”, engulfed each of the listless and bewildered wandering Doctoral students chanting the now famous “Jayhawk safe-circle” chant: “Safe circle, safe circle, you’re in a safe circle. Safe circle, safe circle, we’re in a safe circle”.
Joe Manoco, University spokesman, had this to say: “The University totally disassociates itself from any speech that may be considered disrespectful, irreverent or cause feelings of devastation amongst our student body. Singular issues such as the potty mouth rhetoric of a ‘communications’ professor, reinforce the need for body cameras to be worn by each instructor on campus to ensure appropriate and intelligent interactions with students in a safe and emotionally secure environment. The obvious emotional whiplash caused by the caustic use of a, racial slur, in any context and under any circumstance on this campus will of course be dealt with immediately. That students feel unable to continue with their studies and fear not only their professor but the kind of people who would hire her does lead us to question the very existence and mission of the entire Contemporary Communications Department. The Chancellor has instructed that until further notice, the Doctoral program in the Studies of Urban Hip Hop music and Gangster Rap is suspended until the students can be certain of returning to their studies without having to fear hearing their professors use verbally insensitive racial, ethnic or gender based slurs or derogatory remarks in their presence.”

on a lighter note: cannibal etiquette

1: never slap a cannibal on the back and say “Well Done!”

2: never ask a cannibal “okay, what’s eating you?”

3: don’t ask, everything does taste like chicken.

4: having a rabbi for dinner does NOT automatically mean

it’s kosher.

5: child cannibals are not always pickney eaters (obscure).

 

A Message to the Mujahideen and the Muslim Ummah in the Month of Ramadan:

A message to the faithful from Abu Bakr

(Now? is that thing on? Which one? The red light, do I look at the red light? HMMMMN,  Okay)

“message to the faithful Abu Bakr, take one. GO!”

To the umma (pppppphhhht!)

CUT

Abu baby, come on!

That was NOT me.

Okay, again “message to the faithful Abu Bakr, take two. GO!”

Huh? Could somebody turn a fan on?

CUT

Somebody get a fan on set!

Let’s try it again, “message to the Yada, Yada, Yada. Take 36. Go”

To the umma,…

And so, many of you are asking “how do I go to Jihad”.

(In line commentary from the Director and Producer: Historically we know that the Prophet Mohammed went to Jihad on a pretty regular schedule. While he had up to 11 wives total, historically it is known that only 2 of them were really “hot” [peace be upon them], and the rest were a mixture of political matches and at least one pity marriage. The Prophet [peace be upon him] did suck it up and rotated his nights among all his wives, but he did start getting revelations from Allah at certain times telling him to go and Jihad. Several of his wives did start complaining, but when you’re told “Argue with Allah, go ahead, I can wait” there’s not a lot you can do. Let’s get back to Abu)

We put up a little u-tube vid showing how NOT to go to Jihad:

-a young man is sitting on the couch, playing video games and drinking a soda. You hear laser shots being fired as the young man shouts “gotcha!”

He puts the video game on pause and yells out” MOM, can I go and Jihad!!!?”

NO, it’s almost supper!

“MOM, all the other kids are going on Jihad!!!”

So if Harvey Epstien jumped off the bridge you would want to jump off the bridge too?

“MOM, but it’s one of the five pillars!”

You can practice your pillars by taking your video game down to the mosque and donating it for zakath?

“MOM that’s not fair.”

And who am I?

Video game gets taken off pause, the sound of laser fire and explosions in the background.

The video game goes on pause again.

“MOM, can I get some new shoes”

Fade to black.

Fade to open:

-a young man it sitting in a mud built hut …

(continue In line commentary from the Director and Producer: as we see the correct way to ask about Jihad, the problem does become “what do I wear”, “what do I bring”, “is there going to be wi-fi”, “are there going to be girls”, okay, let’s get back to Abu now).

Abu- And so we see that following in his footsteps is the correct way to begin your Jihadi path.

So, come on down. We’ll see you here!

Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar…

CUT!

PRINT!

(from July 2014, on loan from ISofIandtheL)

Inaugural minutes of the first meeting of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant:

Abu Bakr presiding:

Allah akbar, Allah akbar, Allah akbar…

Hello, thank you, thank you!

A big hand for the Allah Akbar Grandstanders and Glee Club! Come on, everybody,

Big hand.

CLAP,CLAP,CLAP, BOOOM!

a moment of silence please for our newest martyr, Mohhaned,

Huh, thank you.

I’ve just been handed a note saying there is currently an opening in the ‘boom’ section of the Allah Akbar Grandstanders and Glee Club! New members are encouraged to apply.

No experience necessary!

CLAP,CLAP,CLAP, PPPPPPHHHHHT!

No Mohammed, they don’t need anyone in the fart section.

(general laughter)

As you all know we have finally established our Caliphate!

Allah Akbar!, Allah Akbar!, Allah Akbar!, Allah Akbar!, BOOOOM, BOOOOM, BOOOOM, PPPPPPPHHHHHHT!

YEAH!, 3 new openings in the BOOM section! Mohammed, please control yourself.

Now, as your new Emir

Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!

WOAH, somebody get those guys some balloons to pop! Give Mohammed one too!

(general laughter)

Guys, we need you for the cause!

Now, in honor of our glorious new state, I have here a note from, wait, wait for it…

Osama- bin- Ladin.

Written and then smuggled out right as he was being kidnapped and tortured by

Death to the great Satan, Death to the Great Satan, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Death to the Great Satan!

YES, even when he was facing martyrdom, Osama’s last thoughts were on you, me, the CAUSE!

And here, are his last words, from the Koran (unabridged version) the little known Surah 115, Al-bundy:

The translation:

Osamas last words, words of encouragement, to all of us.

I’m opening the envelope now:

‘overture, curtain, lights

This is it, the night of nights.

No more rehearsing and nursing a part

We know every part by heart.

Overture, curtain, lights

This is it, you’ll hit the heights

And oh what heights we’ll hit

On with the show this is it!”

Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar!

WoW!

That really cuts to the chase!

PPPPPPPPHHHHHT

Mohammed, you need to see a doctor or something!

Let’s see, it’s almost time for a prayer.

Everybody take 20, Mohammed, take 25.

The Grandstanders will Glee us out on our break, and then they can recharge (figuratively speaking guys!).

Guys?

Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar

 

(on loan from the ISofIand theL)

It’s official: Mecca Makes History!

tiddle-mecca

August 24, 2014

Mecca, Saudi Arabia

A twitter induced flash mob congregates around what used to be the “Kaaba”, temporarily ‘uncapped’ to make it into the worlds largest tiddley-wink pot.

As Mecca Game-meister  Adhan al Umar Bilal al Bukhari calls out to over 400,000 tiddley-wink aficionados,  “On your knees you bloody winkers, try not to scrunge!

one

two

three

WINK!

Allah Akbar you winkies!”

Authenticated by Roland Asher Fishburn-hide, (smuggled into Mecca to authenticate the holding for the TW booklet of world records) a memorial squidger was presented, and it is rumored that  a special and video cd will be available soon.

 

the terrorist pate, psy babble on terrorism

notes from a lecture on “the Islamic terrorist in the age of you tube”
Professor Nebert I Treben, holder of the Sator Jonson chair of
Psychology, Tuttles University.
In progress
“and in the same way that we see young teenagers taking
inappropriate ‘selfies’ to share with their significant others, we
find that the self styling of the internet gives the Islamic
fundamentalist the ability to show without filter the immediacy of
their belief structure in the most graphic and heinous way”
-‘Professor, are you comparing a 15 year old girl taking a boob shot
for her boyfriend to a Muslim radical cutting the head off an
American prisoner?’
“Actually, they are identical in the thought process, or lack of it,
and the immediate gratification that occurs.
Impulse is a very strong motivator for activity, and it’s a good
bet that most activities we regret fall into that area that is
‘impulse driven’. For the mature adult many times our ‘guard’ is
let down by mind altering stimulants and the impulse is not
mitigated by ‘our good sense’. For the juvenile, mitigation does
not occur do to an absence of life experience that includes the
essence of long term consequences. For the Islamic fundamentalist,
at any age, the impulse driver is the concern that others are not
as conceptually idealized as he/she is, and the true way must be
shown at all costs.
Taking a video and having the immediacy of putting the activity on
the internet for all to see substantially reinforces the immediate
feelings of not superiority, but of moral correctness, and the act does not  occur because the subject (of the beheading) is being       de-humanized,  but because they are human. The act is one of the moment, as an immediate  lesson to be shared with everyone. That is what the internet provides.  If this was something that would be filmed, and seen with somewhat limited  distribution 2 months later, most of the times this would not be happening.”
-‘Hearst said “You furnish the pictures and I’ll furnish the war”, is the
New Fundamentalist knowingly more technologically savvy, or is this new  phenomenon incidental to the terrorist behavior?’
“The illiterate who has studied and memorized the Koran in a madras is not  going to videotape a beheading for popular consumption because philosophically  he cannot existentially visualize the impact of the action, this illiterate  WILL blow himself up to be a martyr. To be simple in the explanation,  if you can’t understand the presence of billions of people in the world,
the overwhelming humanity of being, then you won’t cut off someone’s head  for object idealism on the internet. You will though, internalize the feeling  and attempt to show your faithfulness through an act of personal purification.”
-‘So, as more radicals become ‘tech savvy’, more of this will occur?’
“No, as more radicals integrate from mainstream western type societies,  or Asian modern type societies, more of this will occur. It’s part of an  inherent belief system: if I KNOW that when I stand in front of that  little video camera, do something, and plug it into my laptop, and that hundreds  of millions of people will or may see it, then I can acknowledge the benefit.
Simple suspension of disbelief is not enough to allow, except in the presence  of pathology as the main precursor, a person to will themselves to believe  that videotaping an activity such as a beheading is allowable or fundamentally  sound. The same humanizing activation that would allow them  to do it if millions were watching would prevent the believer from  doing it as morally wasteful and wrong.’

thank you Professor.

Daily Briefs, State Department

Jen Psaki
Spokesperson
June 30, 2014
State Department
Daily Presser
(transcript abridged)

Jen- Hi, happy Monday.
Room-“good morning Miss Psaki”
Jen- well, good morning class!
(general laughter)

Some lite housekeeping first, Secretary Kerry will be going to Panama for
(interruption) will he be buying a hat?
Jen-what? Oh, Millard, I’m sorry what?
-will the Secretary be buying a hat- a Panama hat, for his head?
Jen- I’m sure the Secretary will be finding many ways to help support the local economy; I understand he is an avid philatelist.
Room- (gasp)
Jen- he collects stamps people.
Room- (oooh,sorry,oops)
-but Jen, is he going to buy a new hat, to put on his head?
Jen- Millard, what is so important about- oh my, did you get a haircut Millard?
-why yes Jen, I’m surprised you noticed.
Room-(wow, looks nice, styllin’ Millard)
Jen- Lookin’ good MB.

Matt- I got a haircut too.
Jen- and you look adorable too, for the record.
Matt-shucks.

Question: the Islamic state of Iraq and levant, the ISIL, now referred to as just the Islamic State, the IS, is it true that internal state documents are just referring to it as ‘the state of confusion’
Room: (chuckle)
Jen: it is true that beyond security and tending to the general welfare one of the primary responsibilities of any state is creating acceptable acronyms and drawing really cool flags. Neither of which that belligerent Islamic tribe creating havoc has done.
Room: (shout out) did you just call the ‘Islamic State’ a Belligerent Islamic Tribe Creating Havoc?
Jen: yes, they are a BITCH.
Room: (guffaws)

Question: once again 2 Americans have been arrested and are being threatened with
conviction then trial in North Korea after insulting their leader, Kim Jong-un.
Jen: the official version is that a Christian bible was found in their hotel room
Room: the Gideons perhaps?
Room: (chuckle)
Jen: not likely, and everyone knows how they feel about proselytizing.
Room: and the unofficial version?
Jen: I haven’t really heard that
Room: When Kim Jong asks you if you want to share a little 12 year old, pretend he’s talking about Scotch.
Jen: oh

Jen: all right, thanks everyone
Room: “thank you Miss Psaki”
(chuckle)