Mill Baher

Department Spokesman

Daily Press Briefing

Washington DC

May 26, 2009

Transcript

12:12 p.m. EDT

Question: where’s Ian today.

Bill: I’m guest hosting for Ian Kelly today, I guess I should start with “oops, I said good afternoon instead of good morning (laughter)”

Question: so “mill baher” (snicker, snicker) are you going to brief us on Korea today?

Bill: Mm-Hmmmmm (laughter), yep, first thing we have to report is changing of the name of international talks concerning the Korean issue. Everyone knows that the “six party” talks haven’t gone anywhere. As of today, they are officially going to be known as the “six-pack” talks. We tried to solve the problems with some sober thinking and dialogue, and where has it got us? ERRRRRRRP! Now we’ll try the other way.

Question: what will the ‘brew de jour’ be? an american domestic (chuckle)?

Bill: in keeping with the international flavor and arms control motif it will probably be a german pilsner (guffaw).

Question: considering the recent failure of the President in his attempt to close Gitmo, what do you think the administrations plans are for success in this arena?

Bill: solid question Stewi: if the President has learned anything recently, it’s that the Congress, and the american people will not support anything that is not detailed out in a plan. A plan with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Unlike his little ‘faux pas’ in his attempt to ‘close Gitmo'(air quotes), if the President decided that we need to ‘close North Korea'(air quotes)(snicker, snicker) he would certainly have all the pieces in place before taking the Koreans into bankruptcy.

Question: is it possible that..

Bill: you’re reading my mind, don’t blush (laughter). Everyone knows how tough it is to get out of North Korea, so yes, it is possible that the guantanamo prisoners could be moved to Korea after the North Koreans…

Question: but who would take the North Koreans?

Bill: the President has already been in contact with several leaders. The French have said they could take at least 20 or 30 of the pretty ones. Several of the Scandinavian and Dutch countries have offered positions, many positions, for ‘a bunch’, and we here in america can handle the rest. Not in MY neighborhood of course (generous laughter).

Thanks everybody, you were a great audience.

(the briefing was concluded at 12:13 p.m.)

may 26, 2009

“Double super secret!

Draft:

Current discussions between the President and the Congressional leadership on America’s response to the recent nuclear test and short range missile test of the Republic of Korea. The President, Mr. Reid and Madame Pelosi, in realizing that “we have met the enemy and he is us”, after frumious episodes of negotiations with

Kim Jong-il leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, and many hours of fawning and handholding with our European allies, have decided that there is only one truly novel solution that is enigmatic enough to interest the wiley Koreans and satisfy the democratic base’s concern of America’s complicity in its own downfall:

The President of the United States, with endorsement of both Leaders of the House and Senate, along with the International community, will place in nomination the name of Kim Jong-il for the position of Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

Rahm-“without a doubt Kim fulfulls the Presidents requirement for someone with ‘practical world experience’, and at the same time the best way to get a foreign leader to understand the American way of life is to get him a real time civics lesson.”

Harry-“we have a pretty good idea that Mr. Kim is to the left enough to satisfy our base, and is definitely to the right enough for the republicans, and is fascist enough for the independents. He does seem to be a true man of the people”

Speaker-“the important thing is that the rest of the world thinks this is the right thing to do”

In anticipation of the announcement, press secretary Robert Gibbs remarked ‘are we going to insist he give up his day job?’

more to come

may 25, 2009

The major players of the Chrysler bankruptcy: Chrysler-Fiat, Treasury, The Congress and the President have found synergy with the major players of the Guantanamo Bay Detention camp: the Joint Task Force, the Congress and the President.

In a hallway meeting, an epiphany of “them is us” has allowed for the creation (yet to be announced) of the new Chrysler-Fiat Guantanamo concept and testing plant.

Ron Gettelfinger announced “We’re going to take those 200 terrorist (designees) and show them what a real brotherhood is all about! Next to the UAW, Al Quaida doesn’t stand a chance!” When asked about how the UAW would hope to contend with the promise of 72 virgins, Gettelfinger responded “72 virgins after death? hrumph. Wait till they see one our local meetings while they’re alive!”

more to come

may 6, 2009